Five

Sick.

I have been sick for 4 days now with either food poisoning or something like it. It's been hell and I just want to get back to normal. My mental state is really rather fragile right now, but I'm so dehydrated I can't make tears. It is a really weird feeling.

I tried to go to work yesterday, but I just ended up breaking down in front of my coworkers, which I absolutely hated. I left about 6 hours early, and just decided not to go in to work today. I have no more sick leave and no more vacation and no more motivation to even go to work.

I would love to quit my job and work somewhere way below my skill level, just so I can reduce my stress level. I don't handle stress well, and I know it's slowly killing me. My job isn't that stressful, but at times it can be incredibly stressful and I let it get to me too much. It's like a rollercoaster. One week, eh it's not stressful and I can handle everything. Next week, wham! You need to do this and this and this, and oh the equipment isn't working and people want their results right now and you need to put that aside and work on this because my project is more important than yours. And then the week after that, calm again. I don't like the rollercoaster. I'd like to get off the ride, and can I get a refund, too, please?

I'm too much of a coward to actually quit my job. Ever since I started it, I've been scheming ways to be able to make money so I can quit that job, but I don't think I could ever actually do it. Not until something else comes up, like oh hey I'm pregnant and I want to stay home with the kids.

I think my real problem is that there are so many expectations of me, and I know I'm not going to live up to them. Ever. But I so want to. I'm a people pleaser, and I need to learn that I can't make everyone happy. I just need to make myself happy. Unfortunately I'm on the road to unhappiness, a path I've been on for a very long time. Once I got stuck in this rut, I've found it so much harder to find the courage to pull myself out.

I chose this career path because of money, not because it would make me happy. And it's made me miserable. I need to find the strength and the courage to change. I think I need to pray.