I've decided I really need a place to vent, where no know knows me, no one knows the people I'm talking about. I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head, and I feel like I've been getting crazier by the day. I've got too many things going on to be able to process them all thoroughly. I'm worried about myself because lately the things I should be upset about, I'm not and things I am upset about are trivial.
For example, I found out a few weeks ago my mom has breast cancer. Usually, when people here this, you imagine them sitting down, grief stricken, upset, crying, you know. Me.. I continued to fold laundry and do dishes. It didn't hit me and it still hasn't. Part of the reason is that my mom played it down that it wasn't much (the cancer is small and in the very first stage, which is good and she doesn't have a large chance of it coming back).
So today I am going to write about my mom's cancer and some event surrounding it. I have a lot of other things on my mind, but I'll write them later.
Today I was having lunch with my girlfriends and my phone kept going off. At first, I thought it was just my boyfriend, but then I looked and realized that my mom was calling. I tried to call her back, but she didn't answer. So I called my dad and asked if my mom was with him. He sounded grumpy and gave me an answer of "how the hell should I know?" He has been grumpy lately and down so I brushed it off as his normal state of funk.
I finally got a hold of my mom and she was hysterical. She told me dinner tonight was cancelled because she was really angry at my dad. When she had told me she had cancer, she asked me to keep it to myself and not tell anyone. I only told my boyfriend, who hasn't even met her and probably won't anytime soon. He has had cancer himself, so I asked his advice on how to help my mom. I hadn't told anyone else. Well, I guess my dad told my grandma, who I will admit is a blabbermouth.
My mom got really angry at him because she knew that now the whole family will know and that's not what she wanted. She told a few handful of people and trusted that they wouldn't say anything. I feel bad for my mom because she feels like my dad betrayed her. She made comments along the lines that she feels like he needs to be loyal to his mom and not her. I could tell there was a whole underlying issue there that I have not been privy to.
I can also see my dad's side in that he wanted someone to probably comfort him because he has been worried about my mom. Unfortunately he made a wrong choice in who to get comfort from. If he really needed someone to talk to, he should have come to either me or my brother, who both knew about the cancer. I've tried to get my dad to talk to me, but like many others older than me, they think I can't understand things simply because of my youth. I've proved over and over to people that I am indeed wise beyond my years. Anyways, that's another topic to vent on for another day.
Where I'm supposed to be in all of this is rather confusing. I asked my mom if she wanted me to come over for a while and I could distract her, but she said no. I talked to my boyfriend (rather briefly since he had to get off the phone quickly) and he said I should still go over there. I'm going to give my mom some time to relax a little, then I'm going to call her and see how she is doing and if she wants me to come cook her dinner.
I am not the person to force myself into someone's life unless they want me there. I don't do good with coded messages. I need people to tell me flat out what they want from me, otherwise I don't do it and they get angry with me. My mom has gotten upset with me before because I didn't come over for dinner when she invited me, but I didn't come because I wanted to go home and get things ready for the work week.
Anyways, I'm getting a little off track. Basically, I am not sure what to do. I need to get my house cleaned up because it's a mess and it's driving me crazy, but I also know my mom needs me. And right now I need my boyfriend, but for some reason or another he isn't calling me back.
Ok good vent session. Tomorrow, same time?
