I've been feeling anxious lately. My anxiety has been kicking in more
often. I'm feeling overwhelmed and ready to start my new life.

I'm wanting to be here, at this job, less and less everyday. When I
first started here, I had so much trouble. I had a hard time wanting
to come in to work. I had a hard time doing my work. It didn't excite
me or challenge me. It didn't work with my passions, but rather worked
against them. For a long time, I just thought it was all me, all in my
head. That I was lazy, I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do
anything.

That was 2 years ago. I'm still here. Same job, same feelings. I don't
like being here. I was content with that for a while, but now that I
have an exit strategy, I want out. Now. And it's making my anxiety
grow. Everyday I wake up feeling great, refreshed, like I slept
wonderfully.

I get to work, whoosh! All that energy is gone. I feel tired, anxious,
irritable. I'm trying to change my mindset, but it's not that easy. I
can't say I love this place because I don't. I guess I could say I
tolerate it, but that is pretty negative too, in my mind.

The people I work most directly with are great. They are wonderful.
It's the people I work indirectly for that think of us as their
slaves, essentially, that get on my nerves. No, I'm not going to drop
everything for you just because we are your customer. People here
don't have common sense or common courtesy. Just because you have
"power" over us, doesn't mean you need to abuse it.

I've been praying and hoping and wishing I would win the lottery just
so I can quit this job and get another one. That's the only reason I'm
staying. Money. So I can live. So I don't have to move to a crappy
apartment. Because I like where I am at.

The funny part is though that even if I magically won the lottery, I
would still want to work. I would still want to go to school and get
my masters degree, still go through an internship I have to pay for
and still work as a dietitian. I would also want to work part-time
while going to school, just not where I'm at now.

I don't understand why I'm forced to take the hard route. I know it's
going to make me stronger, and it's going to prepare me for working
with difficult people in the future, but I so want out of here.

I want to get up and leave and quit. But then how would I live? How
would I pay for school?

Life isn't fair. I get that. I've just got to find my inner strength
to get through the next 2 years until I can go to school full time. I
know I should work full time, but I need to get the best grades I can
in order to get into the internship I want. I don't want to be stuck
here at this same dang job for the rest of my life. And there aren't
many other options for me, unless I want to start my own business,
which I have seriously been thinking about.

Ever since I've started this job, I've had plans to get out. To start
a business in order to leave this place. I just don't have the
finanical stability to do it. I don't have the support system I need
in case I fail. It's just not practical. I had all these ideas. And
they can't come to life because I can't fail. There is no other option
and it makes me feel so hopeless. I would just love to succeed for
once, on my own, without threat of harm.

I don't want to involve my parents in this decision to go back to
school and start a new career because they aren't supportive. They
don't see the point in wasting money to get a degree for a job I'm not
guaranteed to have. My dad "joked" about how I was doing in my class
I'm taking. I don't think they think I can do it. They don't believe
in me.

They never have. And if they have, they haven't shown it. The only
times they were proud of me were when I was in first place or when I
had the top grades. They showed their dissapointment so readily
whenever I wasn't up to their standards. I got scolded often for not
getting good enough grades. I didn't want to try to appease them
because I knew I never would be good enough.

But I'm still here, wanting to appease them. But I don't try anymore,
because it's not worth it. I told them of my decision, and I don't
care if they agree with it or not. It's the best route for me, and
hopefully someday they will see that I'm so much happier in my new
career than where I'm at now.

I have my hypotheses that they never pushed themselves, never
challenged themselves to do the best they could, so they forced me to.
My parents taught me to just do enough to get the A. Don't waste the
energy to try any harder. So what do I do now? I skate by. I do just
enough to make it look like I'm working, but I'm not at my full
capacity. And I'm bored.

But I don't want to take on anymore work because it doesn't challenge
me. I'm bored with my job. I don't have any areas that I can be
creative and excel in. With my new job, I have so many opportunities
and so many different directions I can go in.

Part of me wishes I wouldn't have gotten my job here and would have
been able to take the nutrition classes I found right as I had
graduated. I had someone that would have supported me financially, yet
I know, mentally I wasn't ready.