Things lately have been crazy, odd and wonderful all rolled into one.
Yesterday was a perfect example. Rich came over for a visit since Abby has been blowing him off a lot lately. He was really bummed out by it, but tried not to let it get to him. We ate dinner (leftover steak and potatoes) and joked and laughed and had lots of fun. We got to talking and he let me see a more emotional side of him that I rarely ever see. He admitted to me that he doesn't let anyone see him get emotional except for me. That made me feel a little mixed. I was happy that he trusts me and feels comfortable enough around me to do so, but at the same time, I only want him to be happy and it hurts to see him like that.
He's been having issues with both his daughters lately and its really taking a toll on him. His oldest, Erin, doesn't even speak to him, even though he tries to contact her every few weeks and she lives only 15 minutes away from him now. And now his youngest, Abby, is starting to ditch him when they have their legal visitations and she acts like it's completely cool and there is nothing wrong with making plans with their mother during the time they are supposed to be with Rich. I get that Abby is 17 and all she wants is to hang with her friends, but it really irritates me that she is so insensitive to how Rich feels.
Of course, I would love to smack them both upside the head and explain to them how they are hurting their dad, but I can't say anything. Both daughters have met me as one of Rich's co-workers, but they have expressed that they don't like me. It hurts because I care about them, even though I shouldn't.
Anyways, so last night we both had an off night where we just couldn't get things to work right between the sheets, if you know what I mean. We both had our extreme, overwhelming emotions hit us at different times and we both cried, then laughed, and held each other. It made me feel truly connected to Rich, even though our sex wasn't our best. We talked when we needed a rest, and I felt so comfortable and so close to him. I've never felt like that with anyone before, and neither has he.
Ok offshoot here: Rich informed me a month or so ago that his step-daughter was moving back here from across the country to live with him and his wife. It turns out she is pregnant and her (rather abusive) husband is getting deployed so she is coming back to live with her mom. And she is bringing all of her pets with her. Several dogs, several cats, several other animals.
And she is staying indefinitely. Rich already feels like he is being shoved out of his house with all of his wife's stuff (she is a hoarder), so now he is feeling even less important in her life. He already feels insignificant to her, as if he's just a paycheck so she can have a nice roof over her head, and this has just exacerbated it. They literally have no room for another person in their house. They have a good sized house, but all the bedrooms are either spoken for, or crammed full of her junk.
So long story short, Rich admitted to me last night that he has been looking at condos, townhouses and duplexes in the area in case he can't stand to live at his house anymore. I was kinda thrilled. He said he had been hesitant to tell me because he didn't want me overthinking things, which I admit to doing often, but I told him I would take it at face value. He also told me that he has been working behind the scenes on his divorce, but he doesn't want to tell me much about it. The only reason he gave was in order to protect me from seeing how much hurt and pain its going to cause everyone involved. I guess I can't go against that, but at the same time, I have tried to explain to him that if he doesn't inform me of at least little tidbits, I am going to assume that he isn't doing anything.
So, things are going to change soon, and I'm looking forward to it. I've been able to talk more openly about what I want in a relationship with him and we are getting better at making our intentions known. He told me a while back that he had talked to lawyers, counselors and other legal advice type people and all of them told him the odds of me and him staying together are not good. The more I thought about it, the more I've come to realize that they are right. We don't have the best odds, but we have the same odds as almost any other relationship out there.
In my opinion, lots of people think that affairs are just about sex and lust and that's it. There is no emotional connection. That may be true for some affairs, but it's not for mine. Rich and I have a real, deep emotional connection. We have more in common than people in most relationships do. We have hiking, skiing, cooking, gardening, jewelry making, running, kayaking, being outdoors, reading, and learning all in common. Plus we have never been at a loss for words when we are around each other. We are constantly talking to each other throughout the day. Our conversation topics span so widely, from our relationship, to politics, to learning, to science, to work, to the outdoors, to our past, to our future. We always have something to talk about with each other.
To wrap this all up, yes we are starting our relationship in a bad way, in secret, but we have the same (if not more) potential than any other relationship that is starting. No one has that magic crystal ball that will tell them if, or for how long, their relationship will last. If we did, we'd all just be sitting around, waiting for that ball to tell us we've met the one. But we don't have that, so we try out a lot of frogs until we find our match. Maybe Rich is a frog, but I won't know unless I try, and if I don't try, he never has the chance of being my match.
I'm totally rambling here, but the coffee is making me think and feel funny things today (they switched out my normal decaf for regular strength espresso!). I just needed an outlet to gather my thoughts and calm down a bit. Thanks for not reading too much into my randomness!
