Anxiety

I've been feeling very anxious today. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, but I know some of the factors.

I'm really stressing about going back to school to get my masters. I'm trying to work full-time at a job I'm really starting to hate while taking one or two classes at a time. I also am trying to still have a life and still do the things I love, but with my schedule planning, it's looking like I'm going to be getting up at 5 am and not going to be able to do much during the weeks.

I'm really worried about getting burned out, and I know I could reduce my hours, but then I wouldn't be able to save as much money and I wouldn't be able to go to school. See the cycle? Yeah, it freaks me out.

I've been really emotional and tired lately because I think I'm getting another bladder infection. I've had one on and off for over 6 months now and anti-biotics make me feel worse and don't make it go away. I have medicine that works, but I am getting so forgetful that I cant remember to take it.

I really just want to go home right now and cry.

It's getting harder and harder to work here. The job is not challenging. I'm not passionate about it. There is no reward, except my nice, big salary. Which, I will say, is very nice, but there is no emotional reward for this job. I'm not doing anything for anyone but myself. And that's not in my nature.

I'm really wishing I could just be done with this place and already have my degree and be moved on. It's going to be a pain in butt to reduce my hours, then finally quit since I will be leaving people I call friends, but at the same time, I will be so happy to leave this toxic place.

Everyone here is neurotic. There are so many tempers that flare, so much tension. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that absorbs other people's tension like a sponge and it makes me so unhappy. I'm learning to block it, but it's not that easy to block when it's a constant bombardment.

I'm really ready to leave. I bought my textbooks for the next three quarters already and I'm signed up for one class. I tried signing up for another class, but apparently there wasn't enough budget to keep the enroll anytime option open for fall, so I have to wait for winter. I mean, I guess I could do the group option, but I can't go at my own pace, which is something I would really like. Some weeks I don't have much planned so I could do a lot of work to make up for the weeks that I don't have much time.

My time management skills are going to really be put to the test for the next couple of years. My patience is also going to be tested, along with my courage. I have been thinking about taking a lower paying job that has more flexible hours just to have enough to pay the bills, but doesnt have as much of a stress level. I just don't know if I have the courage to leave my current workplace.

I've got lots to think about, but writing this all out has helped. I just want to get started on studying and going to school and starting my real career, that I want, not a career that my parents want. My new career will be so much more satisfying because I can actually combine my current degree (which I'm halfheartedly passionate about) with something I'm extremely passionate about, all the while getting the emotional reward of helping people with their lives.

I just remembered that I was planning on starting my own business to do while I am in school. Bad idea, eh? But it sounds like fun to me! Maybe do part-time work here at my current job, while creating my business and going to school. Full plate, but wow that lifted my spirits! And took away most of my anxiety.

I totally had forgotten about that. I got so wrapped up in how am I going to school while doing a job I hate when I had made a plan a few days ago to start a business. Sheesh!

Dissapointed

If you haven't heard on the news, there is a huge fire burning up a part of central Washington state. It grew from 2000 acres to 20,000 acres overnight. It has consumed 70+ structures (homes, barns, sheds, etc.), and has displaced not just humans, but animals of all kinds.

People in the area immediately stepped up to offer their assistance. Facebook and Twitter were overflowing with people offering their homes, their trucks, food, supplies, you name it, to people they have never met. People over on this side of the mountains have offered to let people bring items to their house to be donated and are driving the items over there this weekend.

I sent out an email early yesterday morning, asking my co-workers if they could bring in a few items to be donated, anything from canned food to blankets to toiletries. I asked one simple task of my co-workers. It would have taken them 10 minutes to go through their pantry and find 1 can of food. It would have taken them 10 minutes to go through their closets and find an extra blanket they could donate. It would have taken them 10 minutes to stop at the store to buy a few toothbrushes and toothpaste.

They brought in nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I'm so ashamed to be apart of this work group now. It's been hard working here because of all the neurotic personalities, but the fact that they couldn't take the time to do something like this, just astounds me.

It makes me sick.

I couldn't donate much more than a few blankets, some t-shirts, a few bags of dog and cat food and some tampons and pads. I felt like that was not enough.

It's just so sad. I actually berated a co-worker who wanted to just give me money to buy things for him. I told him it would have taken him only 10 minutes to find something. I took that 10 minutes yesterday when I didn't get home until after 9 pm and was tired and ready to go to bed.

He looked so ashamed, and so did the other co-workers that over heard me.

You should feel ashamed. You couldn't take the time out of your life to help people who just lost their homes, their pets, their clothes, their things.

I almost want to tell them all, how would you feel if no one came to help you when your house was burning down because they couldn't take 10 minutes out of their day to find a few things to give you? You would feel helpless. You would be angry. You would be wondering why people didn't come help you.

But no, I'm going to be my usual self and keep quiet. I believe in karma and in helping others in time of need. If any of them get in trouble, I will NOT help them.

When cards go around after a family member passes for someone in our group, I'm usually the only one that sticks in a few ones or a five. It's not much, I know, but it's something. They put in nothing. Not even a dime. Nothing.

It's just sickening.

I guess what I'm getting at is if you have the opportunity to spend 10 minutes to do something good for someone, without expecting anything back, take it. You will make someone's day much better!

All photos from komonews.com