Anxiety

I've been feeling very anxious today. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, but I know some of the factors.

I'm really stressing about going back to school to get my masters. I'm trying to work full-time at a job I'm really starting to hate while taking one or two classes at a time. I also am trying to still have a life and still do the things I love, but with my schedule planning, it's looking like I'm going to be getting up at 5 am and not going to be able to do much during the weeks.

I'm really worried about getting burned out, and I know I could reduce my hours, but then I wouldn't be able to save as much money and I wouldn't be able to go to school. See the cycle? Yeah, it freaks me out.

I've been really emotional and tired lately because I think I'm getting another bladder infection. I've had one on and off for over 6 months now and anti-biotics make me feel worse and don't make it go away. I have medicine that works, but I am getting so forgetful that I cant remember to take it.

I really just want to go home right now and cry.

It's getting harder and harder to work here. The job is not challenging. I'm not passionate about it. There is no reward, except my nice, big salary. Which, I will say, is very nice, but there is no emotional reward for this job. I'm not doing anything for anyone but myself. And that's not in my nature.

I'm really wishing I could just be done with this place and already have my degree and be moved on. It's going to be a pain in butt to reduce my hours, then finally quit since I will be leaving people I call friends, but at the same time, I will be so happy to leave this toxic place.

Everyone here is neurotic. There are so many tempers that flare, so much tension. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that absorbs other people's tension like a sponge and it makes me so unhappy. I'm learning to block it, but it's not that easy to block when it's a constant bombardment.

I'm really ready to leave. I bought my textbooks for the next three quarters already and I'm signed up for one class. I tried signing up for another class, but apparently there wasn't enough budget to keep the enroll anytime option open for fall, so I have to wait for winter. I mean, I guess I could do the group option, but I can't go at my own pace, which is something I would really like. Some weeks I don't have much planned so I could do a lot of work to make up for the weeks that I don't have much time.

My time management skills are going to really be put to the test for the next couple of years. My patience is also going to be tested, along with my courage. I have been thinking about taking a lower paying job that has more flexible hours just to have enough to pay the bills, but doesnt have as much of a stress level. I just don't know if I have the courage to leave my current workplace.

I've got lots to think about, but writing this all out has helped. I just want to get started on studying and going to school and starting my real career, that I want, not a career that my parents want. My new career will be so much more satisfying because I can actually combine my current degree (which I'm halfheartedly passionate about) with something I'm extremely passionate about, all the while getting the emotional reward of helping people with their lives.

I just remembered that I was planning on starting my own business to do while I am in school. Bad idea, eh? But it sounds like fun to me! Maybe do part-time work here at my current job, while creating my business and going to school. Full plate, but wow that lifted my spirits! And took away most of my anxiety.

I totally had forgotten about that. I got so wrapped up in how am I going to school while doing a job I hate when I had made a plan a few days ago to start a business. Sheesh!