Wishing

Dec 18th. That's when Rich's wife leaves to pick up her daughter and bring her back along with 3 pets and then the troubles will begin.

Rich has been exhausted lately because the animals they already have (2 dogs and 2 cats) have been keeping him awake and not letting him sleep. He was very close to the breaking point yesterday. Now in a few short weeks, they are going to have 4 dogs and 3 cats living in their house, which he did not agree to. He told his wife that her daughter can come and stay with them until her husband gets back from being deployed but she cannot bring her pets.

It's not just that he doesn't want that many pets in the house, although that is a huge factor. It's because he is allergic to pet dander and he already has a hard enough time living in his house. He's basically getting pushed out of his own house by his wife collecting more pets.

I'm kind of expecting him to finally lose it when the new pets arrive and he can't sleep because of his allergies. He has so many problems with pet dander but his wife just doesn't care.

I'm really dreading that this passes and he still hasn't gotten a divorce. I don't expect him to do anything right before Christmas, but soon after I'm hoping he does something. If not, I don't think I can take this much anymore.

I really love him and we could have a great life together, but I want a normal life, where I can go to his place, or we can live together, and we can be out in the open together.

We don't hide by any means, we just have certain places we can't go to, which really bums me out sometimes. On the other hand, I do love having my space and having the ability to go hang out with my friends when I want. I do consult with him on what his plans are before making plans with my friends, but he's off most of the time with his kids, so that leaves me free to do what I want, and I like that.

I'm just most wishing we could stay the night at each other's places on the weekend. That's what I miss the most. And I don't really like only being able to see him for an hour on the weeknights before he has to go somewhere else.

Those parts are really getting to me. I didn't realize how much they bugged me until today.

I was on facebook for a little while and a long ago ex of mine "liked" a photo I had posted. So I clicked on his page to see what he was up to. It looked like he had been traveling and having a good life and I missed him for a minute.

Then I remembered the last time we saw each other and he spent the whole time trying to impress me with his trips and his money and all of his nice things. We also parted on an awkward note, since he went in for a kiss and I turned so he kissed me on my cheek instead of my lips.

I know he was wanting to see if we still had that spark we felt everytime we saw each other. I was kinda wanting to know too, but I was just starting my relationship with Rich and I didn't want that to go sideways.

I still wonder on occasion what it would have been like if my ex had moved here instead of Chicago and if I wasn't with Rich. I've just had that feeling that my ex and I could have been one of those couples that started dating when they were young and got married and grew old together. But he moved away and things changed.

I still feel like if things were different, like if he moved back here, we would probably end up together. I also feel like he needs to grow up for us to be compatible. He still likes to go out and party a bit, which I really don't care for, except after I've been skiing. He also needs to learn how to be more humble and not show off his money as much. Other than that, we would fit together really well.

But that is just wishful thinking. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I'm trying really hard not to focus on it too much. I am really afraid I'm going to be dissapointed by Rich, that he either isn't going to get a divorce or he takes too long.

Too many things are running through my head. I need to go breathe.

Stress Levels Rising

I've been really stressing lately. I've been having minor breakdowns and anxiety attacks a lot lately. I'm really starting to hate my job and I dread going to work everyday. I'm freaking out about a lot of what if's, which I realize is pointless, but I'm one of those people who need a plan for everything.

I'm freaking out about what if I don't get the grades I want and therefore don't get in to the masters program I want. What if I don't have enough money to be able to go to school and have to end up working here for several more years?

I'm worrying about so many things and it all took over at once. I'm really trying to reduce my stress levels because otherwise, I can't function. My body can't handle that much stress at once.

I'm slowly realizing that I can't keep living as though the bottom is going to fall out at any moment. I can't keep living like I'm already a failure.

I've also realized that my health should come before anything else, and that includes school. I need to get back into exercising, no matter how boring I find it at the gym. I need to get back to cooking, even when I feel too tired.

Rich told me a saying his doctor told him: "You aren't as tired as you think."

And it's very true. I'm not as tired as I think. I've heard that from many different sources, that you may feel tired, but it's overexaggerated. I tend to underexaggerate things, so when it comes to my level of tiredness, I usually feel my gauge is on the energetic side, and then when I do try things, I get so exhausted.

But this week, I proved that saying to myself. I woke up feeling exhausted, and beyond tired. I didn't want to go to work and I just wanted to stay home. Rich told me I should take a short break, eat something, and then get into work because "you aren't as tired as you think you are."

So I ate oatmeal, took a hot shower, then headed to work. I was tired throughout the day, but I survived. And then I vacuumed and washed dishes. And cooked lunch. Suddenly, all my energy came back. I just simply needed to get moving and to do the things I love.

Now my plan is to start prepping for a ficticious 10k and strength train for ski season. And cook. A lot. And conquer that mountain of dishes. And papers.

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Not Me

I'm not a lazy person by any means. I love to be active and on the go constantly. This past year I think I overdid it though, and am paying the price now. I think part of the reason I forced myself to stay busy was that I used to be sedentary. It was so easy to sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. I forced myself out of that state of mind because it wasn't me, but instead of finding the sweet spot of moderation, I went off the other end.

And now I'm feeling really exhausted and all I want to do is stay home. I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into that pattern of sitting on the couch, eating till I'm overstuffed, all the while my butt gets bigger.

I've been feeling really tired and unmotivated to do much other than school work. Even doing my work is getting tiring for me. I'm really ready to have my new job and to have my schedule back. I'm so dang tired at the end of every week that I need a whole weekend to recover, when I used to not need it at all.

Anyways, it's about time for me to leave work and go home and sit on my butt. Tomorrow I plan on doing at least a walk up my hill, and then Sunday I'm going running on a local trail. I still do workout, it's just very sporadic, and I'm a scheduler, so that frustrates me to no end.

Have a great weekend!

Katy

The Ring

I was chatting with Rich the other day about faceting stones, which is one of his hobbies. We were both surfing the web, looking at different materials and sharing ideas with each other. I really enjoyed being able to share something he is so passionate about. It makes me feel so close to him.

As I was surfing Etsy, I came across the really gorgeous sunstone ring. I loved it! So I sent him a picture of it. He thought it was really pretty and was going to research the cut so he could make the same stone for me. I figured he would probably put it in a necklace, which is what he has done for the other stones he has made for me.

Later that day, over the phone, Rich asked me if he could put the sunstone into a ring. I was kinda shocked by it. Typically, to a woman, the gift of a ring from a man means something. At least to me it does. I blurted out, "So, does the ring signify anything?"

Silence.

He stammered for a while before spitting out that he hadn't thought of it that way. It was just a nice gift he wanted to give me. I was very tempted to say, get a divorce, then I'll take that ring, but I didn't.

Speaking of divorce, I haven't heard any new news, but he has laid hints to his daughter that things aren't going so well. I guess Rich tried to have a talk with his wife about financials and about her step-daughter coming to live with them, but she didn't want to talk and instead drank herself to sleep. Real nice wifey there.

Anyways, this post has no real meaning. I'm just blabbering. It's been a long exhausting week and I'm feeling like I need to have a nice, long, cool-headed chat with Rich, but I really want to wait till after the holidays and after I'm done with school for the quarter.

I do have a feeling (or maybe I'm just hoping) that Rich will use his step-daughter moving in (with her 3 dogs and 3 cats. Did I mention he is very allergic to cats?) in order to leave, but that just isn't coming soon enough. I'm almost hoping he goes home one day to see her packing to pick her daughter up and bring her here earlier because the step-daughter and her husband are constantly fighting over little things and making rash decisions.

Like for example, they got in an argument and Rich's wife spent 3 hours on the phone with both of them in order to find a solution and stop the fighting. Personally, at 25 years old (and the same age as his step-daughter), I wouldn't want my mom to help solve my problems. Let me figure it out myself!

Another example, they got into an argument about something little and she changed her last name on Facebook back to her maiden name, which created another fight. Seriously? You aren't in high school anymore. Grow up!

So Rich has that to look forward to. Oh, and his other step-daughter wants to invite her boyfriend's mother over for Thanksgiving, a woman neither Rich nor his wife have met, and a boyfriend Rich has met twice since they started dating 6 months ago.

And Rich's wife agreed to it. I would never want someone I hadn't met coming over to my house for a meal! And neither does Rich, but his wife doesn't ask his opinion, she just acts. And usually in the wrong way.

Anyways, enough ranting. I'm going to prick and prod him a little for more information. Hopefully, I can get the full picture before it all goes down. If it all goes down.

Katy

Views on Marriage

You may have once upon a time wondered, how does the "other woman" view marriage? You know, since she is under full intent of destroying one?

I can't speak for other "other women," but I can speak for this one. I think marriage can be a great thing, if you choose the right person.

That's the key there. Choosing the right person. Granted, you won't know if you have chosen the right person until 20, 30, 40, 50 years later, but hey! You still gotta make that decision the best you can with the information you have.

It's a double edged sword. You think you are making a good decision at the time, but it may turn out to be a bad one.

Like an investment or a stock. You watch it for a while, my, it sure looks pretty. It's going up, people desire it (the product or the company), I think I may want to invest in it. So you do, then all hell breaks lose.

Turns out the CEO lied and was corrupt. Turns out the head scientist ordered they use inferior materials to bulk up the products and lied about it. Turns out everything you thought the company was headed toward is the opposite of where they are going.

Promises are made in the beginning, promises are broken. But where does that leave us?

Do we still put our faith in something that has shown to not work very often? Or do we still believe that under the right circumstances, it can be great, wonderful, amazing?

I'm still under that second category. I do believe that if you marry the right person, you can have a wonderful marriage and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, many people make a decision to get married based on invalid or unknown truths. Take Rich for example. He married his first wife because she made all these promises that she wanted the same things as him, she acted like a loving and doting girlfriend. So, they got married. As soon as the honeymoon was over, she let her true self show. She didn't want to do any activities with him. She was not very loving or doting. It was all a sham.

Should he have gotten married to her? Heck no! But according to the information he had at the time, you would have said, oh yeah they will make it for sure!

Same with his second wife, albeit a bit different. They actually did have things in common. A lot of things in common. Till she got injured. Then everything changed. They still got married, but no longer did she want to do the same things as him. Over time, she became more interested in spending time with her kids than with him. One year, she didn't even say happy anniversary to him, and she spent the day with her daughter. This last year, she did the same exact thing.

Nothing says I don't care about you anymore like forgetting (or ignoring) an anniversary.

Now, back to what the "other woman" thinks of marriage, even though I'm breaking one up. Well, in my opinion, she gave up a long time ago, long before I came into the picture. If they had wanted to make it work, they would have worked at it. But they both let it go way beyond repair and now I doubt there is any chance at fixing it.

Do I believe they should try to make it work? Yes, and no. If they were able to make it up and Rich was happy, I would definitely be hurt, but I would want what makes him happiest. But the chances of that ever happening are slim to none. They don't do anything together. He spends more time with me at my place than he does at his own house, except for sleeping.

In this roundabout way, I'm saying that yes, I do believe in the greatness of marriage, but it comes with complications that can be brought about by deceiving the other person and not putting every effort in. I choose to do neither when I get married. I don't see it as any benefit to me to play myself up as someone I'm not, because eventually the charade is going to get tiring and my husband may not love the person I actually am.

I would rather wait to find the right man who loves me for me than settle for someone who loves the person I'm pretending to be.

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling overwhelmed and lacking energy lately. I feel like I am always sick or low-energy. I seem to get maybe a day or two a month where I have all of my energy and I can keep everything going.

Right now, my place is a mess. I have an infection that won't go away. I am exhausted, worn out, ready to just hole up and hunker down.

I realize it's partly because of my immune system. I have known for a long time that my immune system just does not fight off things as well as others. There has been research done that shows the condition I have is actually an immune condition, but they aren't sure of the connection. I've always gotten sick easier than my class mates. In college, I was constantly sick. Even now, I feel like I get every bug and it's best friend.

I hate that my place is a mess. I've lived here for over a year now, and there has seldom been more than two weeks in a row that I've been able to keep it clean. I mean, it's not dirty by any stretch. It's just cluttered. A few dirty dishes in the sink, plus the mountain of clean ones I need to put away. Piles of clean laundry that I don't have the energy to fold and put away. Stacks of books that I took out but haven't put back. Mail that I half sorted to dig out the bills and stashed the rest on the table.

I don't like clutter. I've lived with clutter for too long when I lived with my ex. I remember our first apartment together. We had separate bedrooms and we were responsible for cleaning our own rooms. Mine was clean. I had a few stacks of books, but I've always loved stacks of books and that doesn't bother me too much. But that was it. He had dirty and clean clothes everywhere, mixed together. He had papers, random things, cups, dishes, you name it, it was on the floor or on his desk.

I picked up that trait of living in clutter and I've been trying to get rid of it. My low-energy isn't helping much with that.

School and work are wearing down on me. It's getting harder and harder to go to a job I despise everyday. I'm counting down the months till I can leave and never go back. I'm at the point where if there is another problem at work, I'm about to quit and get a lower paying job somewhere else. I know that is a stupid idea, considering I get great pay, but my health is paying for it because of my stress levels.

And to tell you the truth, I love my job. I really enjoy the work, the solving puzzles, the troubleshooting. I just can't stand the people or the discrepancies in the treatment of people there. I feel like I am expected to be this nice, sweet girl who will bend over backwards to accommodate anyone. That used to be me. But now, I stick up for myself. If someone requests something from me that I believe is out of line, I'm going to call them on it. Politely, but I'm still going to call them on it.

And you know what, lots of people think I was right in calling this person out on their request, but nothing happened to them. They didn't get talked to, it just got ignored. And I got scolded! 

Anyways, I'm in serious need of venting. And to get healthy and healed. That's all I want. Oh, and about $50k so I can quit my job and go to school full time in order to get my masters degree sooner and start my new job sooner. Is that too much to ask?

Katy

Priorities and Non-commital Inaction

Do you know anyone who can't say no and constantly squeeze every thing into every minute of the day? Do you know anyone who says a lot of things they mean and think, but they don't do a whole lot to show it? Do you know someone who says they have their priorities straight, when they obviously don't?

Well, combine those two and you have Rich. I'm definitely a little peeved at him right now for his skewed priorities and his inability to say no.

I'll give yesterday as an example. Rich told me he was going to pick me up at about 5:30-6 for dinner. Great! I was really looking forward to it. He also told me that he was leaving work between 3-3:30 to fight traffic and stop by to visit his daughter for a little bit before he came to pick me up. Ok that's not a problem at all. I was really looking forward to dinner and spending time with him.

3 pm went by. I'm in the middle of a test, won't be able to leave for a little while, he told me. Ok I figured he'd be a little late, 15-20 minutes. I can deal with that. 4 pm goes by, still haven't left, no signs of leaving anytime soon. 5 pm arrives, he still hasn't left and I'm starting to get pissed. He either has to drop seeing his daughter and immediately pick me up (which isn't going to happen) or postpone dinner, which I'm not too happy about, but I at least would be somewhat understanding.

5:30 pm, he finally leaves work. Traffic is horrendous. And he still tries to squeeze everything in. So, instead of a nice relaxing evening, he misses time to spend with his daughter, is grouchy because of it, and I get my time with him squeezed to a bare minimum (with no dinner) and I get to bed late.

Now, if this was a once in a blue moon occurrence, then fine. It happens. But it happens every single week!

His wife made a really good point that I don't think stuck with him. His work is his number one priority. Everything else comes after that. He says it's not, that his family and me are his top priorities, but his actions show otherwise.

To better illustrate this, I'll give you what I see his priorities are:

1. Work
2. Kids
3. Family
4. Me
5. Health
6. Other activites
7. His house
8. Everything else

Now, I'll compare it to mine:

1. School
2. Rich
3. Health
4. Family and friends
5. Work
6. My hiking group
7.  Other activities


I know that I need to put my health above all else because if I'm not healthy, I'm not able to do anything else. School comes before everything else, because that is my main focus right now. My work is down pretty low on my list because it's just not as important as the other things. I'm willing to miss work for family/health reasons. Rich is not.

He puts his work before everyone and everything and then touts that it doesn't come first. It's incredibly frustrating to listen to because I see how it effects people. His daughter told him a while back that she feels like Rich missed out on a lot of things because of work. Rich's wife said the same thing. Now, I'm saying the same thing. You think it would occur to him that maybe he shouldn't put work first, but he does.

I'm ranting now and I need to eat lunch, but I just needed to get it out. I've been collecting articles and quotes for him to read that I hope will make something click in his mind that he needs to do more and say less, but right now is not the best time. I guess I just have to wait.

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Crazy, Odd, Wonderful

Things lately have been crazy, odd and wonderful all rolled into one.

Yesterday was a perfect example. Rich came over for a visit since Abby has been blowing him off a lot lately. He was really bummed out by it, but tried not to let it get to him. We ate dinner (leftover steak and potatoes) and joked and laughed and had lots of fun. We got to talking and he let me see a more emotional side of him that I rarely ever see. He admitted to me that he doesn't let anyone see him get emotional except for me. That made me feel a little mixed. I was happy that he trusts me and feels comfortable enough around me to do so, but at the same time, I only want him to be happy and it hurts to see him like that.

He's been having issues with both his daughters lately and its really taking a toll on him. His oldest, Erin, doesn't even speak to him, even though he tries to contact her every few weeks and she lives only 15 minutes away from him now. And now his youngest, Abby, is starting to ditch him when they have their legal visitations and she acts like it's completely cool and there is nothing wrong with making plans with their mother during the time they are supposed to be with Rich. I get that Abby is 17 and all she wants is to hang with her friends, but it really irritates me that she is so insensitive to how Rich feels.

Of course, I would love to smack them both upside the head and explain to them how they are hurting their dad, but I can't say anything. Both daughters have met me as one of Rich's co-workers, but they have expressed that they don't like me. It hurts because I care about them, even though I shouldn't.

Anyways, so last night we both had an off night where we just couldn't get things to work right between the sheets, if you know what I mean. We both had our extreme, overwhelming emotions hit us at different times and we both cried, then laughed, and held each other. It made me feel truly connected to Rich, even though our sex wasn't our best. We talked when we needed a rest, and I felt so comfortable and so close to him. I've never felt like that with anyone before, and neither has he.

Ok offshoot here: Rich informed me a month or so ago that his step-daughter was moving back here from across the country to live with him and his wife. It turns out she is pregnant and her (rather abusive) husband is getting deployed so she is coming back to live with her mom. And she is bringing all of her pets with her. Several dogs, several cats, several other animals.

And she is staying indefinitely. Rich already feels like he is being shoved out of his house with all of his wife's stuff (she is a hoarder), so now he is feeling even less important in her life. He already feels insignificant to her, as if he's just a paycheck so she can have a nice roof over her head, and this has just exacerbated it. They literally have no room for another person in their house. They have a good sized house, but all the bedrooms are either spoken for, or crammed full of her junk.

So long story short, Rich admitted to me last night that he has been looking at condos, townhouses and duplexes in the area in case he can't stand to live at his house anymore. I was kinda thrilled. He said he had been hesitant to tell me because he didn't want me overthinking things, which I admit to doing often, but I told him I would take it at face value. He also told me that he has been working behind the scenes on his divorce, but he doesn't want to tell me much about it. The only reason he gave was in order to protect me from seeing how much hurt and pain its going to cause everyone involved. I guess I can't go against that, but at the same time, I have tried to explain to him that if he doesn't inform me of at least little tidbits, I am going to assume that he isn't doing anything.

So, things are going to change soon, and I'm looking forward to it. I've been able to talk more openly about what I want in a relationship with him and we are getting better at making our intentions known. He told me a while back that he had talked to lawyers, counselors and other legal advice type people and all of them told him the odds of me and him staying together are not good. The more I thought about it, the more I've come to realize that they are right. We don't have the best odds, but we have the same odds as almost any other relationship out there.

In my opinion, lots of people think that affairs are just about sex and lust and that's it. There is no emotional connection. That may be true for some affairs, but it's not for mine. Rich and I have a real, deep emotional connection. We have more in common than people in most relationships do. We have hiking, skiing, cooking, gardening, jewelry making, running, kayaking, being outdoors, reading, and learning all in common. Plus we have never been at a loss for words when we are around each other. We are constantly talking to each other throughout the day. Our conversation topics span so widely, from our relationship, to politics, to learning, to science, to work, to the outdoors, to our past, to our future. We always have something to talk about with each other.

To wrap this all up, yes we are starting our relationship in a bad way, in secret, but we have the same (if not more) potential than any other relationship that is starting. No one has that magic crystal ball that will tell them if, or for how long, their relationship will last. If we did, we'd all just be sitting around, waiting for that ball to tell us we've met the one. But we don't have that, so we try out a lot of frogs until we find our match. Maybe Rich is a frog, but I won't know unless I try, and if I don't try, he never has the chance of being my match.

I'm totally rambling here, but the coffee is making me think and feel funny things today (they switched out my normal decaf for regular strength espresso!). I just needed an outlet to gather my thoughts and calm down a bit. Thanks for not reading too much into my randomness!

Anxiety

I've been feeling very anxious today. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, but I know some of the factors.

I'm really stressing about going back to school to get my masters. I'm trying to work full-time at a job I'm really starting to hate while taking one or two classes at a time. I also am trying to still have a life and still do the things I love, but with my schedule planning, it's looking like I'm going to be getting up at 5 am and not going to be able to do much during the weeks.

I'm really worried about getting burned out, and I know I could reduce my hours, but then I wouldn't be able to save as much money and I wouldn't be able to go to school. See the cycle? Yeah, it freaks me out.

I've been really emotional and tired lately because I think I'm getting another bladder infection. I've had one on and off for over 6 months now and anti-biotics make me feel worse and don't make it go away. I have medicine that works, but I am getting so forgetful that I cant remember to take it.

I really just want to go home right now and cry.

It's getting harder and harder to work here. The job is not challenging. I'm not passionate about it. There is no reward, except my nice, big salary. Which, I will say, is very nice, but there is no emotional reward for this job. I'm not doing anything for anyone but myself. And that's not in my nature.

I'm really wishing I could just be done with this place and already have my degree and be moved on. It's going to be a pain in butt to reduce my hours, then finally quit since I will be leaving people I call friends, but at the same time, I will be so happy to leave this toxic place.

Everyone here is neurotic. There are so many tempers that flare, so much tension. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that absorbs other people's tension like a sponge and it makes me so unhappy. I'm learning to block it, but it's not that easy to block when it's a constant bombardment.

I'm really ready to leave. I bought my textbooks for the next three quarters already and I'm signed up for one class. I tried signing up for another class, but apparently there wasn't enough budget to keep the enroll anytime option open for fall, so I have to wait for winter. I mean, I guess I could do the group option, but I can't go at my own pace, which is something I would really like. Some weeks I don't have much planned so I could do a lot of work to make up for the weeks that I don't have much time.

My time management skills are going to really be put to the test for the next couple of years. My patience is also going to be tested, along with my courage. I have been thinking about taking a lower paying job that has more flexible hours just to have enough to pay the bills, but doesnt have as much of a stress level. I just don't know if I have the courage to leave my current workplace.

I've got lots to think about, but writing this all out has helped. I just want to get started on studying and going to school and starting my real career, that I want, not a career that my parents want. My new career will be so much more satisfying because I can actually combine my current degree (which I'm halfheartedly passionate about) with something I'm extremely passionate about, all the while getting the emotional reward of helping people with their lives.

I just remembered that I was planning on starting my own business to do while I am in school. Bad idea, eh? But it sounds like fun to me! Maybe do part-time work here at my current job, while creating my business and going to school. Full plate, but wow that lifted my spirits! And took away most of my anxiety.

I totally had forgotten about that. I got so wrapped up in how am I going to school while doing a job I hate when I had made a plan a few days ago to start a business. Sheesh!

Dissapointed

If you haven't heard on the news, there is a huge fire burning up a part of central Washington state. It grew from 2000 acres to 20,000 acres overnight. It has consumed 70+ structures (homes, barns, sheds, etc.), and has displaced not just humans, but animals of all kinds.

People in the area immediately stepped up to offer their assistance. Facebook and Twitter were overflowing with people offering their homes, their trucks, food, supplies, you name it, to people they have never met. People over on this side of the mountains have offered to let people bring items to their house to be donated and are driving the items over there this weekend.

I sent out an email early yesterday morning, asking my co-workers if they could bring in a few items to be donated, anything from canned food to blankets to toiletries. I asked one simple task of my co-workers. It would have taken them 10 minutes to go through their pantry and find 1 can of food. It would have taken them 10 minutes to go through their closets and find an extra blanket they could donate. It would have taken them 10 minutes to stop at the store to buy a few toothbrushes and toothpaste.

They brought in nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I'm so ashamed to be apart of this work group now. It's been hard working here because of all the neurotic personalities, but the fact that they couldn't take the time to do something like this, just astounds me.

It makes me sick.

I couldn't donate much more than a few blankets, some t-shirts, a few bags of dog and cat food and some tampons and pads. I felt like that was not enough.

It's just so sad. I actually berated a co-worker who wanted to just give me money to buy things for him. I told him it would have taken him only 10 minutes to find something. I took that 10 minutes yesterday when I didn't get home until after 9 pm and was tired and ready to go to bed.

He looked so ashamed, and so did the other co-workers that over heard me.

You should feel ashamed. You couldn't take the time out of your life to help people who just lost their homes, their pets, their clothes, their things.

I almost want to tell them all, how would you feel if no one came to help you when your house was burning down because they couldn't take 10 minutes out of their day to find a few things to give you? You would feel helpless. You would be angry. You would be wondering why people didn't come help you.

But no, I'm going to be my usual self and keep quiet. I believe in karma and in helping others in time of need. If any of them get in trouble, I will NOT help them.

When cards go around after a family member passes for someone in our group, I'm usually the only one that sticks in a few ones or a five. It's not much, I know, but it's something. They put in nothing. Not even a dime. Nothing.

It's just sickening.

I guess what I'm getting at is if you have the opportunity to spend 10 minutes to do something good for someone, without expecting anything back, take it. You will make someone's day much better!

All photos from komonews.com

Almost

We were almost found out. It's been a tough few days. Everything was going fine for the most part, then we did something we shouldn't have.

Rich finally introduced me to his youngest daughter, Abby. I had been wanting to meet her for a long time. I guess it didn't go over well because on Monday, Rich received an email from his ex stating that their kids thought he was having an affair. At first, Rich tried to pass it off as his ex just hiding behind the kids, but today he found out that Abby was the one who brought it up over the weekend.

Abby said it was shady for him to introduce me and that she was concerned. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was talking to Rich and made the comment that even though they have no clue who I am, I truly care for his family. It's hard not too. Rich agreed and said he cared about my family too, but I couldn't take it personally.

Rich reminded me that Abby can only see a small portion of the situation. She doesn't know the issues that are going on in Rich's marriage, she doesn't see who I really am, that I am not this mean devil-like monster out to destroy her dad. It's the truth, but it still hurts.

Rich is doing some damage control as we speak, but as we have been talking over the past few days, it's becoming very clear to him that things need to change. He needs to have some deep conversations with his kids and his wife about many different issues. He feels like he is simply there as a source of money while his family goes and spends it as they please and goes on trips without him that he pays for. I am surprised he didn't snap earlier, but he is very resilient.

So here I am, sitting at home, trying to get my mind off of things by cleaning and trying to get my stomach to calm down. I can tell its going to be a few hectic days and weeks, but I'm confident things will calm down again. If not, it's just going to spin out of control and who knows where I will land.

Someone to Love

Everyone just wants to feel loved, right? I sure do. Right now, I feel very loved by Rich.

Just wanted that out loud.

Anyways, on to what happened yesterday. So after my parents were snooping through my voicemail, I decided to get a new phone. I had been researching getting a new phone for a while and canceling my line on my parent's plan, but hadn't because it was inconvient. I decided on getting a no-contract phone, which completely irked my mom. I could tell when I told her that I didn't want to be on their plan anymore she knew they were found out.

And of course, she tried to convince me to stay, oh if you just wait till July, you can stay and get a new smartphone! It's going to be so expensive to cancel the line, you should just stay and wait to get a new phone.

No, it's actually more expensive for me to get a smartphone on their line. By nearly $30. Plus on my new phone, I get unlimited calling, texting and web, things my mom refuses to pay for.

I tried to play it off as a bonus, as though now she can finally lower the amount of minutes they are charged every month since I was the one using the most. I tried to appease the coupon clipper in her, the never ending frugalness that drives me insane.

Anyways, that's a topic for another day.

After work, Rich came over and we had dinner together, then we talked for a little while and patched things up. We made out like teenagers for a little while, then he had to leave to run errands and go home. So right now things are really good. I'm not gonna see him tonight, but I'm definitely going to see him tomorrow, after he drops off his wife to go on a trip without him. He's excited because then he gets the house to himself. Other than that, nothing is going to change for us. It will be like everyday as usual.

Well, have a great day!

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Weekend Update

I'm going to try to do a quick weekend update since I'm starved and need to go eat food soon.

So, Friday after our sushi lunch date, Rich and I went back to work and texted each other for a while. Soon, Rich was busy at work, so I went and did some other stuff, too. Next thing I know, I get a text from Rich saying a guy he had just met told Rich that the other guy's wife had cancer. Out of no where. First time meeting the guy. Rich was absolutely confounded on why the guy did that. I told Rich the only logical explanation is that since Rich has had cancer twice now, he could offer the most sympathy at that time than any one else around. Rich pondered it some more, and finally the shock wore off.

It gets better.

Right before I was to leave for the day, I had an inkling that I should check facebook one more time. I did, saw nothing and was about to log out when I had another inkling to check Rich's page. Lo and behold, there was a post from his wife's daughter, congratulating them on their 10 year wedding anniversary, that was supposed to be on Saturday.

I was floored. I was meaning to ask him when it was, so I finally asked. He had completely forgotten about it. Neither of them had mentioned it to the other and they hadn't made any plans. I inquired as to what was the usual celebration, and he said, nothing. Usually a card and maybe a bouquet of flowers, but no dinner, no nothing. That really surprised me. Then, he mentioned that the last couple of years, she has spent their anniversary with her daughter, not him. Same thing happened this year. That just absolutely confuses the living poop out of me. I mean, I'm not for going all out as in throwing a huge party or something, but at least to have dinner somewhere is the typical, no?

I swear, the more I learn about his wife, the more dysfunctional she seems. I try to look at her as just another person and try to see her in the best light, but really? You won't go celebrate your anniversary with your husband? Ok, there's something not right there.

She just lacks the, I don't know the right word, thought of not really sacrificing yourself to do something with the person you love even if you lack interest, but I can't think of a better way of saying it. She's not interested in his cooking, other than eating it. She could care less about his other hobbies. He goes with her to do things, albeit not very often, but it's not reciprocal. I'm trying to look at it from her side, but every time I do, I just see someone who isn't giving their all into the relationship, and that's just not fair to anyone.

Anyways, I'm getting off topic.

On Saturday, I was fairly busy, cleaning my apartment, then went bowling with some friends. Rich was spending the weekend with his son, so I didn't see him the whole weekend. At first I was ok with it, but Sunday it started to get to me. I knew that his wife was there with them, and I became insanely jealous that she was there and I couldn't be. She wasn't participating in their activities, she was just kinda there. I drove myself nuts thinking about it and was in a frenzy by the time Rich showed up at nearly 6:30.

He could immediately sense something was wrong. I tried to brush it off like I had a headache, but he knew better. Eventually, he drug it out of me and I just blew up. I became hysterical. I was yelling at him like I had never done before. I was tired of waiting on the sidelines. I was tired of living half my life in secret. I was just plain tired.

I started bawling my eyes out and he started to pace around. We kept talking and I calmed down a little, till he hugged me and then I just about exploded into tears. He was trying so hard not to cry, but he admitted that seeing me like this really was hurting him. I asked him how long it was going to take for him to get a divorce. I've asked that question before, but he has never given me a straight answer. He didn't give me an absolute, concrete answer, but he at least gave me a window of 2-3 years for the total process to be complete. I felt much better at least having some idea, but I still feel lost. I feel kept in the dark about everything.

I've told him that I want him to tell me when he talks to a lawyer or a counselor. I want to be kept in the loop, but he doesn't want me to get involved. I try to explain that if he doesn't keep me in the loop, I'm going to assume that he's not doing anything, that he is just stringing me along.

So, we got that all sorted out and now we are more on the same page, but we are going to talk more tonight.

But it gets even better. So my parents have been suspicious about me and Rich for a while, but they haven't come out and said anything to me. I have gathered this because I'm still on their phone plan (which is no longer true as of today) and someone was trying to listen to my voicemail messages. I checked my voicemail because my cousin called and it said there were 3 unsuccessful tries to get into my voicemail. I promptly changed the password and hope that they didn't listen to all of my messages.

I'm rather pissed about this because I feel like they are treating me like I'm a teenager again when I'm 25. I've had my own apartment for years, paid off my own car, and have held a steady full time job for quite a while now, and I had trusted them enough to not go snooping into my personal business when I kept my cell phone plan with them.

But now that I'm positive they have been snooping, I'm going to fully emancipate myself from them. No more having my doc call their house. No more prescriptions being called to their house. No more cell phone bill going thru them. No more sending packages to their house. I'm sick and tired of it.

The part that irks me the most is that I realized this is nothing new. I didn't even have a fighting chance growing up. My parents didn't put their trust in me simply because I was a child. I remember one time, the cat had thrown up under my bed, so I had my window open to clear out the stench till I could clean it up. They didn't believe me. They threatened to give me a drug test and punish me. I kept telling them to look under my bed to see the cat puke, but instead they tore through my room, looking for cigarettes and drugs. I was in freaking 8th grade.

I will admit later on I did smoke cigarettes and pot, but I had lost trust that they trusted me, so I didn't bother to care. I had straight A's, maybe an A- here and there. Yet, they still didn't trust me.

I can definitely see that their lack of trust in me has caused me to be wary of others. I have some girlfriends I have known for over a year now and I still don't trust them. They haven't done anything wrong to hurt me, but still I don't trust them. I don't fully trust Rich, but I trust him more than anyone else.

Thanks Mom and Dad for screwing me. You turned out a real peach of a kid. It's gonna sure bite you in the ass.

More updates later...

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Sushi Lunch Dates

I have been going on sushi lunch dates with Rich at least once a month since last April. There's a little tiny sushi place about halfway between our workplaces that I have loved for years now. The guy who owns the place knows me and my favorite roll (yellowtail with green onion) and he has seen me there with my parents and with my ex, Brandon. Him and his wife know me and Rich are together, or rather we assume they know since we show up so often and by the way his wife looks at us.

Today we decided to make an extra trip to Starbucks, which is just around the corner. We chatted with the baristas about sushi, then walked around and looked at the other restaurants. When we first started having sushi lunch dates, both of us were so paranoid we would be seen and what other people would think of us. Now we simply don't care. We walk side by side, my arm looped through his, drinking our raspberry mochas. He kisses me on the cheek as we peruse the menu of a Greek restaurant that he's been dying to try. We walk by yoga studios, bead shops, bars that have yet to open because of the early hour.

As we round the corner, we pass by a jewelry shop. One of his hobbies is to polish stones as gifts for friends and family. I've gotten several from him, and I cherish them. I convinced him to step inside since I knew he would like it. As soon as he walks in the door, he is in heaven. So many ideas for stones to make. He begins chatting with the store owner as I look at the jewelery. One thing I love about Rich is that he can talk to anyone and he always introduces himself. Usually Rich introduces me also if I'm with him, but today he forgot. The store owner asked for my name and then made a joke about not wanting to steal his woman. It felt good to know that people see us as a couple, not as say, a father and daughter, as I had feared people would. (Not that we look anything alike, but still).

We enjoyed looking at the jewelry, all made by local artists. We both admired the craftsmanship and the hard work that went into each piece. We talked about ideas for both my jewelry designs and his (I make beaded earrings). It was so much fun to be able to talk about a hobby that we share, even if they are slightly different. I've never had anyone to share something like that with, and neither had he.

After we left the shop, we walked around the block to our cars. We sat in my car and talked for a little bit, then kissed goodbye. I love his kisses. They are so soft, warm and passionate. I would be so happy if I could kiss only his lips for the rest of my life.

He's coming over to my place later to cook dinner and go for a walk. I always look forward to his kisses and hugs. They are the best I've ever received.

Till next time,

Katy

Living as the Other Woman.. with the Man of my Dreams

This blog has so far been a fragmented piece, where I have been debating writing about my relationship with Rich, a married man who I fell in love with. I can't write about it in my normal blog since so many people don't know about him and I feel partially like I shouldn't write about it at all. The other part of me needs that outlet and wants to share the wonderful life we have created with each other. I also want to show that being the "other woman" isn't what people typically think it's like. I want to dispel so many stereotypes about being the "other woman." I'm also willing to undergo scrutiny from others, but if you are to comment, please be kind and remember this is my life, not yours.

I've finally decided to write about my everyday relationship with Rich and show (and to tell you the truth, prove) that we do belong together and that most relationships are more complicated than they seem.

I will try to catch up on the past year that I've known him, but not all in one post and not in great detail. I've tried before, and it simply overwhelmed me. I'll include the necessary details, but skip over most of it. I also won't be including any photos as to not be identified as easily.

First, Rich and I came into each other's lives by complete accident. We work for the same company and his area had lost a bit of work, so him and 2 others were going to be loaned out to other groups. The other 2 toured my work area and were supposed to work for my group and another group in my building. Last minute, Rich got switched in and began working in my building.

We immediately noticed each other and once we were introduced, we couldn't stop talking. He was the most attractive man I had ever seen, even though we have nearly 25 years between us. We could talk so easily about food, activites, work, life. We had so much in common, it was scary. It was also scary that we couldn't resist each other.

Meanwhile, I was engaged to another man who I had so wanted to be my soulmate, but I knew deep down was nothing near. We had nothing in common (and never really had), but I had wanted to believe that he was the one I was supposed to marry. Rich changed all that.

Rich kissed me for the first time nearly 2 months after we first met. It was the most amazing kiss of my life. Fireworks, sparks, you name it, I felt it. I had never felt that before with anyone else. The kiss was so intense and powerful, I couldn't wait to get another one.

After a few weeks, Rich hesitated. He had a wife, his second one, but no kids with her. He still wanted to make it work with her, but he felt such an intense attraction with me that he didn't feel with her.

I thought I wouldn't be able to ever have him. I was still planning on getting married, unless I thought I could have Rich. For the next few months, he would zig and I would zag. We couldn't get on the same ground. Then he went to jury duty.

I missed him terribly. I didn't talk to him much, and it hurt. I realized that I needed him in my life. I was lonely in my other relationship and I did not want to get married. So I broke off my engagement without any hope of ever having Rich in my life the way I wanted. I was prepared to be alone.

I went nuts. I tried sleeping with a guy I barely knew and I wasn't attracted to. I tried to mess around with another co-worker. All to get my mind off Rich. He eventually came back to work and I resigned myself to the fact that we would probably always just remain friends.

One day, while he was working at his normal office, I asked if he wanted to do lunch. He said sure so I drove to his office and we had lunch and acted as if we were just friends. No flirting, no trying to graze his hand. Nothing.

He took me back to his office to show me around so I understood more of what he did for his normal work. And then we made love in a large broom closet.

Not my proudest moment, but it was the best sex I had ever had in my life. We both couldn't believe what we had just did and that it actually happened, without either of us trying very hard.

The next few months were insane. One of us would hesitate and it would throw the other into a spiral. I wanted to be with him so badly, but he had all these other commitments and doubts. Slowly, we finally found the piece of normalcy that we have been at for about 6 months now. We see each other almost everyday, we constantly talk throughout the day. We go skiing together, we cook together, we hike together. He trains for marathons and triathlons, so I've been running with him to help him train. I'm going to buy a bike soon so we can cycle together.

Once we got thru all the muck and mess and finally gave in to the fact that we are head over heels for each other and fit each other damn near perfectly, life became easy. I know you are wondering about his wife and how she feels, but the whole time I've known him, she's been more of a roommate to him than a wife. They barely went on any trips before and now he's taking more trips with me. I don't doubt she's a nice person, but she is mostly concerned with her daughters and herself. There's no room in there for Rich and his kids.

I'll comment on that more later, but now you know how our relationship started. Next post, sushi for lunch!

Shifting Directions

Currently, I work in a field that I find somewhat interesting, but was also forced on me. My parents always told me I had to go to college, there was no other option. I had to get a degree in science, math or engineering. Any other major was just not acceptble. I had to get a great job that pays well, and it didn't matter if it would make me happy because at least I would have enough money to pay for everything.

This plan is what I've been on my whole life. I still feel like sometimes I'm on that plan, but there are glimpses, when I realize that this life is my own. I can make my own choices. And so I am making a new choice that is mine and only mine.

I'm going back to school to get a masters in nutritional science.

I've found that I still enjoy the sciences, but my passion is food and people. I have recently taught several cooking classes, and even though they didn't go as planned, I still enjoyed teaching people how to cook. I have discovered that I have a passion for helping people improve their lives, even if it's just for a day, by smiling at them and saying hi. This passion is almost as strong as my passion for food, and the few people I have told about this change have been really supportive and have told me it seems like it would be a better fit for me than where I currently am.

This decision is not without hesitation or fear. I'm afraid that I won't get accepted into the program, mainly because my GPA for my bachelors was not stellar. However, I didn't have the internal motivation I have now. At the time, my only motivation was fear; fear of dissapointing my parents, fear of not getting a good job and having a good life. Fear can be a good motivator, but only so much. I was motivated to scrape by and just barely get a degree. Now, I find I have the motivation to strive for the best I can do. My only fear now is that my motivation will diminish once I start back at school.

I feel much more comfortable about this decision than when I was thinking about pursuing culinary school. With culinary school, I would have had to either go on educational leave of absence for 2 whole years or quit my job entirely. With a masters in nutritional science, I will be able to still work almost full time for 2 years (and only take 1 class each quarter), but I will only have to take 1 year of educational leave of absence. Plus, my company will pay for some of the classes for nutritional science, but wouldn't for culinary school.

I'm still rather afraid to tell my parents, in fear that they won't be supportive. There are so many things going on right now that I don't want to tell them quite yet. I want to do all the research and have it all planned out before I tell them. I think my dad will be supportive since it is something I want to do and will combine my current degree with something I am passionate about. My mom, on the other hand, won't be that supportive since I am in a good, stable job right now that gives me a rather large paycheck, which is all she cared about me having.

I don't enjoy my job, it doesn't challenge me. I need something that will feel fulfilling, even if it doesn't pay as much. The positive side is that at any time while I'm pursuing this new degree, I can back out and keep the current job I have. If it turns out I don't like nutritional sciences, I can always come back to where I'm at. If I can't get a job in nutritional sciences, then I can always stay where I am at.

There are definitely a few details I need to work out and sort through, and it is going to require me pulling on my big girl pants and stepping outside my comfort zone, but I think in the end it will be worth it.

The great part is that I can already see an end goal. I may have to work at a gym or find multiple jobs at first working for other people, but eventually I want to have my own business where I coach people on eating healthy, especially for those who have food allergies, like I do. I would love to be able to work part-time as an RD while also teaching cooking classes. That would be the perfect job for me.

So, here's to following my dreams!

Thanks for reading...

Need to Vent

I've decided I really need a place to vent, where no know knows me, no one knows the people I'm talking about. I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head, and I feel like I've been getting crazier by the day. I've got too many things going on to be able to process them all thoroughly. I'm worried about myself because lately the things I should be upset about, I'm not and things I am upset about are trivial.

For example, I found out a few weeks ago my mom has breast cancer. Usually, when people here this, you imagine them sitting down, grief stricken, upset, crying, you know. Me.. I continued to fold laundry and do dishes. It didn't hit me and it still hasn't. Part of the reason is that my mom played it down that it wasn't much (the cancer is small and in the very first stage, which is good and she doesn't have a large chance of it coming back).

So today I am going to write about my mom's cancer and some event surrounding it. I have a lot of other things on my mind, but I'll write them later.

Today I was having lunch with my girlfriends and my phone kept going off. At first, I thought it was just my boyfriend, but then I looked and realized that my mom was calling. I tried to call her back, but she didn't answer. So I called my dad and asked if my mom was with him. He sounded grumpy and gave me an answer of "how the hell should I know?" He has been grumpy lately and down so I brushed it off as his normal state of funk.

I finally got a hold of my mom and she was hysterical. She told me dinner tonight was cancelled because she was really angry at my dad. When she had told me she had cancer, she asked me to keep it to myself and not tell anyone. I only told my boyfriend, who hasn't even met her and probably won't anytime soon. He has had cancer himself, so I asked his advice on how to help my mom. I hadn't told anyone else. Well, I guess my dad told my grandma, who I will admit is a blabbermouth.

My mom got really angry at him because she knew that now the whole family will know and that's not what she wanted. She told a few handful of people and trusted that they wouldn't say anything. I feel bad for my mom because she feels like my dad betrayed her. She made comments along the lines that she feels like he needs to be loyal to his mom and not her. I could tell there was a whole underlying issue there that I have not been privy to.

I can also see my dad's side in that he wanted someone to probably comfort him because he has been worried about my mom. Unfortunately he made a wrong choice in who to get comfort from. If he really needed someone to talk to, he should have come to either me or my brother, who both knew about the cancer. I've tried to get my dad to talk to me, but like many others older than me, they think I can't understand things simply because of my youth. I've proved over and over to people that I am indeed wise beyond my years. Anyways, that's another topic to vent on for another day.

Where I'm supposed to be in all of this is rather confusing. I asked my mom if she wanted me to come over for a while and I could distract her, but she said no. I talked to my boyfriend (rather briefly since he had to get off the phone quickly) and he said I should still go over there. I'm going to give my mom some time to relax a little, then I'm going to call her and see how she is doing and if she wants me to come cook her dinner.

I am not the person to force myself into someone's life unless they want me there. I don't do good with coded messages. I need people to tell me flat out what they want from me, otherwise I don't do it and they get angry with me. My mom has gotten upset with me before because I didn't come over for dinner when she invited me, but I didn't come because I wanted to go home and get things ready for the work week.

Anyways, I'm getting a little off track. Basically, I am not sure what to do. I need to get my house cleaned up because it's a mess and it's driving me crazy, but I also know my mom needs me. And right now I need my boyfriend, but for some reason or another he isn't calling me back.

Ok good vent session. Tomorrow, same time?

Frozen

I'm still processing the most wonderful day I've had in a long time. This week has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and it still has no end in sight. I've been doing things I never thought I would do, but have been dying to do.

I froze when I walked through that door. My legs started the shaking, reverberating throughout my whole body. I didn't know where to go and I was scared to look, scared at what I would find. But I had a wonderful time before that moment. Once I calmed down and resumed breathing, I felt happy. Scared, freaked out, but happy. This is where I'm supposed to be, this is where I'm going to end up.

It's going to be hell fighting for what I want, and I just know the next two years are going to be extremely tough and I'm going to want to give up, but I have to keep going. I have to hold on tight, otherwise I'll get tossed. And I won't survive if I get tossed.

A song just started playing and I felt an instense mix of feelings. Love, happiness, dread, fear, anger, sadness, joy. All at once. I'm getting more in touch with my emotions without even trying.

I know what I'm doing is wrong, but how can it be wrong if it feels so right?