Hurting a friend is never any fun. In fact, it feels like a stab in the heart, like I intentionally drank something poisonous and it is upsetting my stomach. I didn't mean for things to end out this way, and I feel like such a horrible person for lying to them and leading them on.
I guess I should mention more about my history with this friend, which has been nothing less than tumultuous since I met him. Dave and I have worked together for almost 3 years now and there was an intense attraction from the very start. We kept our distance for a while, not knowing how the other felt. I will say that I was the first to admit it, and it took him a while to admit it to himself, especially since we are 25 years different in age.
We would flirt and talk, but we became close friends. I confided in him when my relationship with my ex, Brandon, was not going well. He confided in me when things with his wife were difficult. We built a bond. And I've ruined that bond several times, yet everytime he forgives me. I don't know if he will this time.
Things changed after I met Rich, ironically at the same place I met Dave: work. I started spending more time with Rich, started confiding more in Rich and less to Dave. Dave is not one to show his jealousy, but I could tell it hurt him. I was so infatuated with Rich that I didn't take time to notice that I had hurt Dave. And yet, when things didn't work out with Rich after I pursued him, Dave took me back as a friend.
Things escalated after I broke it off with Brandon. Rich was nowhere to be found; he had been at jury duty for a few weeks and so I hadn't talked with him for a while. So I turned to Dave. We admitted that we cared about each other and were incredibly attracted to each other, but agreed not to pursue anything. Until we went to a company outing and had a bit too much to drink. We sat talking in his car and I made the moves on him. He rejected me, and I was hurt, but it was probably for the best.
Rich came back to work soon after that and we began talking more. I was unhappy with Dave because he had rejected me and our friendship would remain strained for nearly a year afterwards. Rich and I began dating, and Dave kept pressing me for details, of which I would deny that there was anything more than friendship between me and Rich. I mean, who wants to admit to a co-worker that you are dating another co-worker who is his competition?
I kept Dave at arm's length due to the fact that Rich hated Dave and that I was still feeling hurt from his rejection. I hardly saw Dave after he moved to a new position in a different building, and I hardly talked to him. Until a few months ago. One day, late at work, when there was hardly anyone left, I had this inkling to go and chat with Dave for a little while. I soon found the sparks were still there and they were just as strong.
Things between Rich and I were getting tense. He still hadn't (and still hasn't) done anything to further his divorce progress, and I was feeling rather used and almost like a booty call. I began flirting with Dave again, which stayed harmless up until a few weeks ago. Rich and I drifted apart somewhat. We didn't get to see each other as much, and I felt like he had ignored my statements that I wasn't getting what I needed from him.
Suddenly, I found myself craving to get attention from Dave. I knew it was wrong, and I had lied to him about Rich and I not being together. I continued to flirt with him, and the more we flirted, the more intense things got. He started getting very touchy feely and I didn't disuade him. We decided it would be best to set limits on what was acceptable. Flirting and hugging was acceptable, anything more was not. We agreed to the limits, but also decided on a pact that if at any time in our lives, if both of us are single and no longer co-workers, only then could we continue on with more. We also acknowledged that there would be no chance at a long term relationship due to the fact that we are not compatible relationship-wise.
All this came to a head last night. Rich and I had had a discussion about our future recently and came very close to breaking up. I was upset and took comfort in Dave's friendship and flirting. Last night, a group of us went to a local restuarant for some beer and pizza. We stayed rather late (till nearly 11 pm) before deciding to go home. I was in no shape to drive and neither Dave nor I wanted to say good night yet, so I joined him in his car and we parked and talked for an hour. I admitted to him that I was still seeing Rich, and he looked profoundly hurt.
I also told him that Rich and I were having problems and he told me about the problems he was having with his wife. The whole time we were talking, he was holding my hand, touching my leg, tucking my hair behind my ear. I'm sure it was the beer doing the moves, but it felt different. It felt like there was something there.
I glanced up quickly and got an uneasy feeling in my stomach when I saw a car that looked like Rich's pull in the parking lot. The car stopped nearby, but no one got out for a while. I instantly knew it was Rich and he was looking for me. I began to freak out and Dave calmed me down. He took me back to my car, but we sat talking for a little longer until I noticed that the look alike car had started circling. I noticed the license plate, and it was indeed Rich's car.
I had this bad feeling that Rich had spotted us and that he was going to get angry. I quickly got in my car and drove home. I tried to call Rich to explain and tell him the truth, that Dave and I were just talking while I was sobering up so I could drive. Suddenly, I hear the key in my door, and Rich walks through, thoroughly unhappy. But he didn't mention seeing me and Dave. He was unhappy because he had waited for me for an hour at my place, hoping to surprise me, but I never came.
We talked for a little while and he joined me in bed for a quick nap before heading home at nearly 1:30 am. It was a very long and eventful night. I could hardly sleep because I felt so bad for hurting Dave and for hurting Rich. I never wanted to hurt either.
This morning, I texted with Dave a bit, and he told me he was really starting to get mad at me for the way I treated him. I apologized and told him he had every right to be mad at me for lying to him and leading him on when he thought I was single and I was in fact not. We seemed to be ok, until I texted him later in the day and he said he didn't want to talk to me because he was feeling even more hurt the more he thought about it. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. I can't get rid of this feeling. I hate that I hurt him, but the whole situation is so complicated.
I didn't want to be telling Dave about Rich because I didn't trust him and I didn't want it to get spread around the office. The reason I didn't trust him was because of something Rich thought that Dave did, but Dave swears he didn't do. I also didnt tell him because who wants to be going around telling people, oh I'm dating a married man. It's not something you openly state.
I care for both Dave and Rich deeply and I can't help the way I feel about both of them. I may be a horrible person for loving two men (who are both married) at once, but it's the way I feel. They both have different qualities I love about them and I feel so bad for hurting both of them. I know I'm going to choose Rich over Dave, and Dave knows it too, but its so hard because of how long I've been waiting for Rich and how much longer Rich is going to make me wait.
Dave made a statement to me yesterday that I shouldn't be going after married men. I told him that I don't go after guys because they are married, I fall for them because of who they are. I would still have the same feelings for Dave and Rich if neither were married.
Life is a funny thing. I have found two men that both truly care about me, but are incredibly unavailable. All I wanted was a normal relationship with a man that cared about me more than my ex did. I didn't expect any of this to happen.
I also didn't expect to find myself almost pining after Dave. I spent a good majority of the day with Rich today, but my mind was on Dave. I'm so fucked up it's not even funny.
