February, the beginning

Welcome to February 2011! You will now being your journey on Katy's rollercoaster. It will be full of ups and downs and plenty of loops and corkscrews. Ready?

Beginning of February didn't have much to report. I was skiing twice a week and was pretty happy about that. My birthday was in the beginning of the month. If I remember correctly, all I did to celebrate was to go to my favorite restaurant and order a blue cosmo. I am more of a beer and whiskey kind of gal, but it was pretty tasty. I don't remember what I received as a gift for my birthday, so it must not have been too great.

Brandon started his new job at the end of the month, which was great since it was a lot closer to my work and that meant we could move further south. I went on a ski trip with some family during the second to last week of the month. We did lots of skiing and lots of walking around. I had a blast until Friday. I drove 2 hrs back home to pick Brandon up so we could go back to the condo my family rented and have a mini vacation - just the two of us. I had asked him to be ready to leave at 1 pm so we could get there in time for dinner. And I waited. And waited. And waited. He finally showed up around 3 pm and explained that he didn't want to use any vacation time to leave early. I was rather peeved at him since I had asked him to make plans earlier in the week, but apparently he didn't.

So we packed up his things (since mine were back at the condo) and headed over the pass. I offered to drive since he had been working all day and since I knew the route and he didn't. I figured that he would talk to me about work and other things that had happened since I had seen him last, or we would just listen to music. No, he pulled out his laptop and started reading a book. I asked him repeatedly to put the laptop away and talk to me, but he refused (Sign number fifty-one not get married! Not that I counted, but this seems like a pretty good guess). Finally as we are getting close to the pass, there is an accident and both lanes are blocked. I get out and walk around and stretch while we are waiting. One hour goes by. He is still reading. I ask him to get out of the car and talk and walk with me. He refuses. Says it's too cold out. Another hour goes by. My brother texts me to let me know he is stuck also, but on the other side of the accident. I again ask Brandon if he would get out of the car and talk with me, hug me, keep me warm. No, I don't have anything to talk about and it's too cold out.

Finally, the accident was cleared. By the time we got to the condo, it was a little past 7 pm. Not too late to go out to eat, but Brandon said he just wanted to heat up the leftovers in the fridge and watch some TV. I obliged, and we ended up on the couch the rest of the evening. I asked him if he wanted to sleep in the same bed (since even though we had been living together for the past year and a half, we had yet to sleep in the same bed. His preference, not mine), but he couldn't make up his mind. I was beyond frustrated with him, so I took a shower and crawled into bed. He decided to sleep in the same bed, but didn't come until nearly 1 am. I got up at 7 am, ready to hit the town and get breakfast. I waited, and waited and waited. 9 am came around and he was still not out of bed. I decided to wake him up so we could go get some breakfast. He was not too happy about it, but he got up and we went to get some food. The meal was good, but the conversation was lacking. All he could talk about was how much he wanted to get home, back to his comfy couch, back to his computer.

I wanted to walk around town a little bit, visit a few of the shops, and find some souvenirs. He just wanted to go home. I convinced him to go into two shops with me, but after I was done he politely demanded that we go home. I was not in a very giving mood, but I gave in. With one act of defiance. I drove the long way home, with a stop at my favorite bakery. He was not pleased, but neither was I.

The next week, though, I met Rich. And he changed my life forever.

And on to March.. wonderful, wonderful March.

Thanks for reading,

Katy

Going Back on the Rollercoaster

The last 10 months of my life have been a wild rollercoaster. Ups and downs and plenty of loops. I really wish I would have written everything down so I would have something to look back at later. I've always been terrible at recording thing down on a daily basis and it's one of the few things I regret.

I've decided to go back and write as much as I can remember about each of the past 10 months, since the beginning of this year. Please bare with me as I try to dig out all the memories.

So let's start with January. I was starting to get into a regular rhythm at work. My co-workers were starting to become good friends to me. I was living in an apartment that I was starting to really not like. It was always dark and damp. I wanted so desperately to decorate the place, but no matter how hard I tried to get it organized and decorated, it would always end up a mess. I half blame my ex because he didn't clean up after himself (left dishes everywhere, clothes on the floor, gaming stuff everywhere), but I also had a hard time getting myself organized. It really wasn't that bad, but I like to be a little more organized and cleaner.

I was also having problems with Brandon and his job. He hated his current job and was thinking about looking for a new one. I hated his job because it caused us to live halfway between our jobs, but I ended up with the longer commute. It was painful. Nearly an hour each way. I would be too tired to go to the store and then come home to cook. And then after I cooked, I would be too tired to clean up so I would end up watching tv for an hour or two and then go to bed. The kitchen would be a mess, and I would feel horrible the next day because I didn't get it cleaned. And the cycle would begin again.

And that my friends, was January in a nutshell. A pretty boring month considering all that has happened since.

Tomorrow will be February. Are you ready to ride the roller coaster?

Katy

Changes

So I didn't get married. The whole loving an older married man got in the way. And the fact that the more I thought about it, the more I realized how miserable I would be if I married Brandon. We had nothing in common. Nothing. He wanted to stay home and play his video games and watch tv. I wanted to go out and live life and explore and learn. And as time goes on, I realize how I should not have stayed with him for so long. I wouldn't say I wasted 4 and a half years of my life, but I could definitely have spent them with someone better. Someone who actually wanted to spend time with me, someone who would have fought for me.

So anyways, I'm currently single. Kinda sorta. I'm seeing a new man, but there are definitely problems there. Like the fact that he is married. Everything else is great. We love spending time together, we share a passion for cooking and the outdoors and we get along great. I'm not sure how to deal with it, really. We became really good friends at first, then that turned into like, which turned into love. I want to fight for him, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure that he won't ask for a divorce because he doesn't want to lose everything again. He's already been through divorce once, and I don't want to ask him to go through that pain again, but we are so good together. But it makes me feel like the skanky mistress, which I'm not. There are just so many conflicting feelings that go along with this.

It's definitely been a wild ride these past few months, and I have a feeling it's not even half way over yet.

what's a girl to do

what's a girl to do when she doesn't want to be with the man she is with, wants a man she can't have and is wanted by a man she doesn't want?

Overwhelmed

“Can you be underwhelmed? I think you can in Europe.”

Sorry, I needed that little bit of humor. I’m so overwhelmed with planning my wedding. 72 days left. That’s it. And I have a ton of stuff left to do!

I seriously feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions by so many different opinions that I don’t know what I want anymore. I like the whole fancy-ish wedding (which is what my mom and Brandon’s mom want), but I really just want it to be like a backyard summer barbeque with lots of friends and family. I want simple, but not plain. I want comfortable, but still a little stylish. I think it’s driving my mom crazy that I want flowers from her backyard in mason jars and not formal bouquets.

Did I mention that I’m not really a fan of our invitations? They are cute and easy, but really, I’d rather make them fun and pretty. The writing is all formal and I’m more of a hey why don’t you join us for when we get hitched? Lots of drinks, good food and good times involved. Park here, get us a gift from here, and let’s just party.

The more planning I do, the more it seems like everyone else is trying to create the fairy-tale wedding that they wanted, not what I want. I almost want to tell everyone to back off and let me do this all on my own. I know that there is no way in hell I could do it all on my own, but I keep hearing everyone’s opinions and it’s driving me bonkers!

Another thing that is driving me bonkers is that Brandon’s mom found my other blog and now she is reading it and commenting on it. I don’t really care if she does, but now I feel like I can’t write honestly there anymore. So I don’t write and my feelings get all pent up and all that junk.

And she wants to join my meetup group. I love her dearly, and I really enjoy spending time with her, but that group is for me to make new friends with people my age. She asked Brandon if she could join and he said yes without asking me, which really irked me. I would have told him to say no, but now I can’t say no because I’m going to look like the bad guy and I hate looking like the bad guy. So I’m gonna sit here and hope that she doesn’t actually join.

I have such a hard time expressing my feelings to people. Or even to myself. Does that make sense?

Anyways, I should get back to doing other things. Like planning for this wedding that I don’t want to plan.

Have a great day!

Katy

Free

I can now say that it wasn’t love. Nothing close. On either side.

And now I feel free. Free from all the pain and anguish I’ve put myself through, that he put me through. I can say that I don’t regret what has happened, but I need to look for excitement in other ways. And I’ve learned a lot of lessons.

Like don’t ever get involved with a married man. He won’t leave. No matter how much chemistry you two have, no matter how amazing you would be together, he won’t leave. My mistake was thinking I could get him to leave because we were awesome together. He won’t.

He won’t be a friend either. Even if you need to talk to him, he won’t be there. No matter how much you wish he would be, he won’t.

Can you tell I’m a little bitter? But it’s just a little bit. Mostly I feel free. My stomach is still in knots and I still don’t feel like eating, but seeing him is no problem. I won’t see him for a week and a half after this, so I guess the timing was perfect. Now I just have to get myself to stop thinking about him.

I also have realized that I already had an amazing man who loves me more than anything. I still don’t think I’m head over heels crazy for Brandon, but I know that if I marry him, he will support me and always be there for me. He will love me for the rest of my life, even if I can’t reciprocate.

I still wish that I could be with the new man. That won’t change for a while. But at least I now know his true feelings and I’m not going to let him lead me on anymore.

I can finally breathe again. And it feels so good.

Wrestling

I’m wrestling with a decision that could give me the happiness I have been searching for my whole life, or it could cause me more pain and loneliness than it’s worth. 

I have fallen for another man that I am not in a relationship with, and I have fallen hard. It’s making me rethink everything. Do I really want to get married to a man who I care deeply about, but I don’t think I’m really in love with? Are my feelings for my fiancée getting muddled by my feelings for this new man? Does the fact that he is 25 years older than me really make that much of a difference?

All the what if’s are just killing me. What if I did leave BrandonT? It would hurt like hell, I know that. But it just wouldn’t feel right for me to marry him if I’m in love with someone else. I just have this feeling that if I married Brandon, we would just get a divorce later on because I couldn’t bear to spend one more day sparing his feelings while I’m in pain. I love him, I really do, but I’m not sure we are meant to be together.

I’ve also got this feeling that I was only supposed to help Brandon get on the right path, go to college and make a better life for himself. I feel like my journey with him is ending. I’m just scared as to where that is going to leave me. Is this new man going to leave his wife for me? He has expressed that he cares about me and has fallen for me, I’m just not sure how hard. 

The new man and I have serious chemistry, which is what is making this so hard. With the new man, everything is so exciting and new, which  also makes me question the validity of my feelings.  I’ve only known him for 4 months now, but I’ve been with Brandon for 4 years. Am I just enjoying the newness, the whirl of emotions, or do I actually love this new man? I can’t seem to tear those two apart. 

I’ve only got 79 days before I’m supposed to get married. It does not seem like nearly enough time to get this all sorted out. I have this feeling that even if I do get most of it sorted out, I’m not going to be able to go through with the wedding. I feel like I’m going to freeze up at the altar, and then run and run like hell. 

I really do not know what to do. Should I keep my mouth shut and just push on, knowing that Brandon will always be there for me, be a great man to share my life with, or do I take a leap and tell this new man how I feel in hope he feels the same? 

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Well, maybe I do. I have some girls I have been getting to know pretty well. I think I might talk to them about it. It’s driving me crazy. I haven’t eaten properly in so long, I haven’t slept well in forever. I need to get this sorted out soon or I may not make it through.

I just have to remember that the highs are higher than the lows are low.

Six

Girl friends.

Aren’t they the best ever? I think they can be when you have the right mix of women. It seems like it’s getting harder and harder for me to find gals that I click with and that want to make the effort to keep the friendship going. I’ve had lots of great friends that I’ve let go because no matter how hard I tried to keep the friendship alive, they didn’t reciprocate. It’s very frustrating and has made me very miserable at times.

Right now, I don’t have any good girlfriends. I have some friends who are fun to hang out with once in a while, but as time goes on, I’m finding I have less and less in common with them. I have been feeling like I need some good girlfriends that I can go have fun with a lot more lately. The only problem is that I’m pretty shy so it’s harder for me to make friends and form lasting friendships than most people. So I started a meetup group for women who want to build friendships but are also shy and have the same problems with other women being, well, flaky.

I have found a few gals in the group that I get along with really well and I really look forward to spending more time with them, but I am not sure if they feel the same way. I’m not sure what I need to do to be confidant that I will be able to find some good girl friends.

Do you have a group of girl friends that you love spending time with? How do you let them know that you like spending time with them and want to get to know them better? Let me know your opinion in the comments!

Five

Sick.

I have been sick for 4 days now with either food poisoning or something like it. It's been hell and I just want to get back to normal. My mental state is really rather fragile right now, but I'm so dehydrated I can't make tears. It is a really weird feeling.

I tried to go to work yesterday, but I just ended up breaking down in front of my coworkers, which I absolutely hated. I left about 6 hours early, and just decided not to go in to work today. I have no more sick leave and no more vacation and no more motivation to even go to work.

I would love to quit my job and work somewhere way below my skill level, just so I can reduce my stress level. I don't handle stress well, and I know it's slowly killing me. My job isn't that stressful, but at times it can be incredibly stressful and I let it get to me too much. It's like a rollercoaster. One week, eh it's not stressful and I can handle everything. Next week, wham! You need to do this and this and this, and oh the equipment isn't working and people want their results right now and you need to put that aside and work on this because my project is more important than yours. And then the week after that, calm again. I don't like the rollercoaster. I'd like to get off the ride, and can I get a refund, too, please?

I'm too much of a coward to actually quit my job. Ever since I started it, I've been scheming ways to be able to make money so I can quit that job, but I don't think I could ever actually do it. Not until something else comes up, like oh hey I'm pregnant and I want to stay home with the kids.

I think my real problem is that there are so many expectations of me, and I know I'm not going to live up to them. Ever. But I so want to. I'm a people pleaser, and I need to learn that I can't make everyone happy. I just need to make myself happy. Unfortunately I'm on the road to unhappiness, a path I've been on for a very long time. Once I got stuck in this rut, I've found it so much harder to find the courage to pull myself out.

I chose this career path because of money, not because it would make me happy. And it's made me miserable. I need to find the strength and the courage to change. I think I need to pray.

Four

Projects. 

I have a ton of projects that I have started, but have yet to finish. I’ve made prioritized lists, but that doesn’t seem to help me much. 

I always feel guilty for starting something but never finishing it. I think my biggest problem is that I start out with something small that grows into a huge monster and becomes so daunting that I am afraid to even work on it, knowing that it will take me forever to finish it. Basically, I begin to think, what’s the point?

 I get really negative about the project, but then all of a sudden I get inspired to start it up again, then slowly the sneaky monster of doubt crawls into my brain and plants the “why are you even bothering with this?” seed that grows into the “you’ll never finish this” plant that morphs into the “don’t even think about working on this because it will never ever get done” tree, which drops a “oh hey look at this other project you started on” seed that started the cycle all over again.

Do you have any projects that you have a problem finishing? Let me know more in the comment section!

Three

Continuation of yesterday's post:

Another road that I want to take is one that will lead me to opening my own bakery/café. I’ve been laying out all the plans including finding the perfect location, testing new recipes and coming up with a name. I have it all planned out, I just don’t have the money for it. And I’m really hesitant about leaving my current job because it pays so well and I’m afraid of losing that source of income for me and my honey. But I’m really tired of my job. It’s pretty tedious and boring most of the time. And it’s kind of hazardous to my health. So for now my plan is to stay where I am until I can afford to have a reduced income, which is going to be like 5 years down the road. 

My only problem is that I don’t know how to fit everything in. I am a planner. I always have a plan for everything. I get it from my mom, unfortunately. I have been constantly updating my plan for my life the past few years, and I’ve realized that there is so much I want to do, but I don’t know how to fit it all in without burning myself out. I want to have kids, but how do I do that with a bakery? I want to have a bakery, but I don’t have any money for it. I want to buy a house, so should I put the money I have been saving towards a house or towards my bakery? Where can I fit in my plans for a vegetable garden, plans to start a school, plans to be a foster parent, plans, plans, plans!

Do you have any specific plans for your life or are you more a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person? Let me know more in the comment section!

Two

I’m at a rather frustrating point in my journey right now.  I have so many roads that I could follow, but I’m not sure which one I should pick. Some roads I know will lead me to where I want to be and I am eagerly going to follow them. Others I’m not so sure about. I just have so many things that I can talk about, so I think I’m going to just stick to one topic for each day to not overwhelm you (or myself).

But first, I should do a more proper introduction (since the last one was a little vague.. Sorry!)

Hi, my fake-name is Katy and I’m in my early-twenties. I’m engaged to the most awesomest man ever, whose name shall be changed to Brandon. We have been together for nearly 4 and a half years and we are going to be married later this year in October. We have a pseudo-kid of a cat named Fred, who is fat and orange. He is an attention-wanting little goober who we love even though he wakes us up at 4 am. Anyways, that’s all you need to know for now.

First topic: Moving

Right now, we live about 45 minutes away from where we want to be. We want to live near Brandon’s parents and my family in a (somewhat) little town that is close enough to the big city, but not too close. I only get to see my family once every few weeks and I would love to see my parents and Brandon’s parents a lot more often. After we move, we will be 5 minutes from his parents and 10 from mine, which means I can visit everyone more often. My commute will also be reduced from 1 hour to 20 minutes. 

Doesn’t that sound lovely? 

For me it does. After driving home every day, stuck in traffic for an hour (or more!), having a commute of 20 minutes sounds like heaven. But I have to wait a month before we can move. I want to move now and I am having a hard time being patient. My energy is sucked out of me when I sit in traffic so when I get home all I want to do is sit on the couch and eat takeout. Not exactly the healthiest thing to do. But I just have to keep staring at that light at the end of the tunnel and learn to be patient.

Another reason I want to move is so I can shop at a local farmstand and at a local meat shop instead of a large supermarket. I went to the farmstand last weekend to check it out and I fell in love! It’s like a mini-Whole Foods, but with even more locally grown produce. I’m really big about eating as local as I can, so the farmstand is pretty much the best thing ever for me. When I visited it, I got so inspired to cook and make things in the kitchen, and that hasn’t happened in a long time, so it felt really good and made me want to move as soon as possible!

A third, and very important, reason is that the apartment we are moving in to is 1000000000 times nicer than the one I’m in now. I won’t be embarrassed to invite people over because the paint won’t be peeling, there won’t be stains everywhere and it’s going to be a lot lighter because our new apartment will face south and will get more sun. My plants can get the light they have been craving, I will get the light I’ve been craving, Brandon will get peace of mind knowing I’m happy. 

This move will finally get me back home after being away for 4 years now (I moved into the big city to attend a university, and then moved to a slightly smaller, but still big city where I’ve been for a year). Ever since I left my hometown, I’ve been dying to get back there. I always feel like crying after visiting because I want so badly to be back at home. I’ve drifted so far from my family, from my roots, that it’s going to feel so good to get back to where I belong. I’ve felt so out of place that last 4 years. 

Finally I will be home.


Did you ever move away from home? How did you deal with it? Let me know your story in the comment section!

One

Hello there.

My name is Katy. At least, that's what you can call me. It's not my real name, it's more of an adopted name. Ever since junior high, people have been telling me I look more like a Katy than my real name.

I'm using an adopted name for privacy. I would like to write freely about the going-ons in my life without having some people know it's me. I don't mind if some random stranger reads this (not that they will) but I'd rather not risk having someone I love and cherish read a post where I was angry or frustrated with them and take it the wrong way. You understand, right?

So here is my place to write about weddings, marriage, house-buying, workplace annoyances, new friends, and life in general.

Thanks for reading.

Katy