Free

I can now say that it wasn’t love. Nothing close. On either side.

And now I feel free. Free from all the pain and anguish I’ve put myself through, that he put me through. I can say that I don’t regret what has happened, but I need to look for excitement in other ways. And I’ve learned a lot of lessons.

Like don’t ever get involved with a married man. He won’t leave. No matter how much chemistry you two have, no matter how amazing you would be together, he won’t leave. My mistake was thinking I could get him to leave because we were awesome together. He won’t.

He won’t be a friend either. Even if you need to talk to him, he won’t be there. No matter how much you wish he would be, he won’t.

Can you tell I’m a little bitter? But it’s just a little bit. Mostly I feel free. My stomach is still in knots and I still don’t feel like eating, but seeing him is no problem. I won’t see him for a week and a half after this, so I guess the timing was perfect. Now I just have to get myself to stop thinking about him.

I also have realized that I already had an amazing man who loves me more than anything. I still don’t think I’m head over heels crazy for Brandon, but I know that if I marry him, he will support me and always be there for me. He will love me for the rest of my life, even if I can’t reciprocate.

I still wish that I could be with the new man. That won’t change for a while. But at least I now know his true feelings and I’m not going to let him lead me on anymore.

I can finally breathe again. And it feels so good.

Wrestling

I’m wrestling with a decision that could give me the happiness I have been searching for my whole life, or it could cause me more pain and loneliness than it’s worth. 

I have fallen for another man that I am not in a relationship with, and I have fallen hard. It’s making me rethink everything. Do I really want to get married to a man who I care deeply about, but I don’t think I’m really in love with? Are my feelings for my fiancée getting muddled by my feelings for this new man? Does the fact that he is 25 years older than me really make that much of a difference?

All the what if’s are just killing me. What if I did leave BrandonT? It would hurt like hell, I know that. But it just wouldn’t feel right for me to marry him if I’m in love with someone else. I just have this feeling that if I married Brandon, we would just get a divorce later on because I couldn’t bear to spend one more day sparing his feelings while I’m in pain. I love him, I really do, but I’m not sure we are meant to be together.

I’ve also got this feeling that I was only supposed to help Brandon get on the right path, go to college and make a better life for himself. I feel like my journey with him is ending. I’m just scared as to where that is going to leave me. Is this new man going to leave his wife for me? He has expressed that he cares about me and has fallen for me, I’m just not sure how hard. 

The new man and I have serious chemistry, which is what is making this so hard. With the new man, everything is so exciting and new, which  also makes me question the validity of my feelings.  I’ve only known him for 4 months now, but I’ve been with Brandon for 4 years. Am I just enjoying the newness, the whirl of emotions, or do I actually love this new man? I can’t seem to tear those two apart. 

I’ve only got 79 days before I’m supposed to get married. It does not seem like nearly enough time to get this all sorted out. I have this feeling that even if I do get most of it sorted out, I’m not going to be able to go through with the wedding. I feel like I’m going to freeze up at the altar, and then run and run like hell. 

I really do not know what to do. Should I keep my mouth shut and just push on, knowing that Brandon will always be there for me, be a great man to share my life with, or do I take a leap and tell this new man how I feel in hope he feels the same? 

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Well, maybe I do. I have some girls I have been getting to know pretty well. I think I might talk to them about it. It’s driving me crazy. I haven’t eaten properly in so long, I haven’t slept well in forever. I need to get this sorted out soon or I may not make it through.

I just have to remember that the highs are higher than the lows are low.