Views on Marriage

You may have once upon a time wondered, how does the "other woman" view marriage? You know, since she is under full intent of destroying one?

I can't speak for other "other women," but I can speak for this one. I think marriage can be a great thing, if you choose the right person.

That's the key there. Choosing the right person. Granted, you won't know if you have chosen the right person until 20, 30, 40, 50 years later, but hey! You still gotta make that decision the best you can with the information you have.

It's a double edged sword. You think you are making a good decision at the time, but it may turn out to be a bad one.

Like an investment or a stock. You watch it for a while, my, it sure looks pretty. It's going up, people desire it (the product or the company), I think I may want to invest in it. So you do, then all hell breaks lose.

Turns out the CEO lied and was corrupt. Turns out the head scientist ordered they use inferior materials to bulk up the products and lied about it. Turns out everything you thought the company was headed toward is the opposite of where they are going.

Promises are made in the beginning, promises are broken. But where does that leave us?

Do we still put our faith in something that has shown to not work very often? Or do we still believe that under the right circumstances, it can be great, wonderful, amazing?

I'm still under that second category. I do believe that if you marry the right person, you can have a wonderful marriage and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, many people make a decision to get married based on invalid or unknown truths. Take Rich for example. He married his first wife because she made all these promises that she wanted the same things as him, she acted like a loving and doting girlfriend. So, they got married. As soon as the honeymoon was over, she let her true self show. She didn't want to do any activities with him. She was not very loving or doting. It was all a sham.

Should he have gotten married to her? Heck no! But according to the information he had at the time, you would have said, oh yeah they will make it for sure!

Same with his second wife, albeit a bit different. They actually did have things in common. A lot of things in common. Till she got injured. Then everything changed. They still got married, but no longer did she want to do the same things as him. Over time, she became more interested in spending time with her kids than with him. One year, she didn't even say happy anniversary to him, and she spent the day with her daughter. This last year, she did the same exact thing.

Nothing says I don't care about you anymore like forgetting (or ignoring) an anniversary.

Now, back to what the "other woman" thinks of marriage, even though I'm breaking one up. Well, in my opinion, she gave up a long time ago, long before I came into the picture. If they had wanted to make it work, they would have worked at it. But they both let it go way beyond repair and now I doubt there is any chance at fixing it.

Do I believe they should try to make it work? Yes, and no. If they were able to make it up and Rich was happy, I would definitely be hurt, but I would want what makes him happiest. But the chances of that ever happening are slim to none. They don't do anything together. He spends more time with me at my place than he does at his own house, except for sleeping.

In this roundabout way, I'm saying that yes, I do believe in the greatness of marriage, but it comes with complications that can be brought about by deceiving the other person and not putting every effort in. I choose to do neither when I get married. I don't see it as any benefit to me to play myself up as someone I'm not, because eventually the charade is going to get tiring and my husband may not love the person I actually am.

I would rather wait to find the right man who loves me for me than settle for someone who loves the person I'm pretending to be.

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling overwhelmed and lacking energy lately. I feel like I am always sick or low-energy. I seem to get maybe a day or two a month where I have all of my energy and I can keep everything going.

Right now, my place is a mess. I have an infection that won't go away. I am exhausted, worn out, ready to just hole up and hunker down.

I realize it's partly because of my immune system. I have known for a long time that my immune system just does not fight off things as well as others. There has been research done that shows the condition I have is actually an immune condition, but they aren't sure of the connection. I've always gotten sick easier than my class mates. In college, I was constantly sick. Even now, I feel like I get every bug and it's best friend.

I hate that my place is a mess. I've lived here for over a year now, and there has seldom been more than two weeks in a row that I've been able to keep it clean. I mean, it's not dirty by any stretch. It's just cluttered. A few dirty dishes in the sink, plus the mountain of clean ones I need to put away. Piles of clean laundry that I don't have the energy to fold and put away. Stacks of books that I took out but haven't put back. Mail that I half sorted to dig out the bills and stashed the rest on the table.

I don't like clutter. I've lived with clutter for too long when I lived with my ex. I remember our first apartment together. We had separate bedrooms and we were responsible for cleaning our own rooms. Mine was clean. I had a few stacks of books, but I've always loved stacks of books and that doesn't bother me too much. But that was it. He had dirty and clean clothes everywhere, mixed together. He had papers, random things, cups, dishes, you name it, it was on the floor or on his desk.

I picked up that trait of living in clutter and I've been trying to get rid of it. My low-energy isn't helping much with that.

School and work are wearing down on me. It's getting harder and harder to go to a job I despise everyday. I'm counting down the months till I can leave and never go back. I'm at the point where if there is another problem at work, I'm about to quit and get a lower paying job somewhere else. I know that is a stupid idea, considering I get great pay, but my health is paying for it because of my stress levels.

And to tell you the truth, I love my job. I really enjoy the work, the solving puzzles, the troubleshooting. I just can't stand the people or the discrepancies in the treatment of people there. I feel like I am expected to be this nice, sweet girl who will bend over backwards to accommodate anyone. That used to be me. But now, I stick up for myself. If someone requests something from me that I believe is out of line, I'm going to call them on it. Politely, but I'm still going to call them on it.

And you know what, lots of people think I was right in calling this person out on their request, but nothing happened to them. They didn't get talked to, it just got ignored. And I got scolded! 

Anyways, I'm in serious need of venting. And to get healthy and healed. That's all I want. Oh, and about $50k so I can quit my job and go to school full time in order to get my masters degree sooner and start my new job sooner. Is that too much to ask?

Katy

Priorities and Non-commital Inaction

Do you know anyone who can't say no and constantly squeeze every thing into every minute of the day? Do you know anyone who says a lot of things they mean and think, but they don't do a whole lot to show it? Do you know someone who says they have their priorities straight, when they obviously don't?

Well, combine those two and you have Rich. I'm definitely a little peeved at him right now for his skewed priorities and his inability to say no.

I'll give yesterday as an example. Rich told me he was going to pick me up at about 5:30-6 for dinner. Great! I was really looking forward to it. He also told me that he was leaving work between 3-3:30 to fight traffic and stop by to visit his daughter for a little bit before he came to pick me up. Ok that's not a problem at all. I was really looking forward to dinner and spending time with him.

3 pm went by. I'm in the middle of a test, won't be able to leave for a little while, he told me. Ok I figured he'd be a little late, 15-20 minutes. I can deal with that. 4 pm goes by, still haven't left, no signs of leaving anytime soon. 5 pm arrives, he still hasn't left and I'm starting to get pissed. He either has to drop seeing his daughter and immediately pick me up (which isn't going to happen) or postpone dinner, which I'm not too happy about, but I at least would be somewhat understanding.

5:30 pm, he finally leaves work. Traffic is horrendous. And he still tries to squeeze everything in. So, instead of a nice relaxing evening, he misses time to spend with his daughter, is grouchy because of it, and I get my time with him squeezed to a bare minimum (with no dinner) and I get to bed late.

Now, if this was a once in a blue moon occurrence, then fine. It happens. But it happens every single week!

His wife made a really good point that I don't think stuck with him. His work is his number one priority. Everything else comes after that. He says it's not, that his family and me are his top priorities, but his actions show otherwise.

To better illustrate this, I'll give you what I see his priorities are:

1. Work
2. Kids
3. Family
4. Me
5. Health
6. Other activites
7. His house
8. Everything else

Now, I'll compare it to mine:

1. School
2. Rich
3. Health
4. Family and friends
5. Work
6. My hiking group
7.  Other activities


I know that I need to put my health above all else because if I'm not healthy, I'm not able to do anything else. School comes before everything else, because that is my main focus right now. My work is down pretty low on my list because it's just not as important as the other things. I'm willing to miss work for family/health reasons. Rich is not.

He puts his work before everyone and everything and then touts that it doesn't come first. It's incredibly frustrating to listen to because I see how it effects people. His daughter told him a while back that she feels like Rich missed out on a lot of things because of work. Rich's wife said the same thing. Now, I'm saying the same thing. You think it would occur to him that maybe he shouldn't put work first, but he does.

I'm ranting now and I need to eat lunch, but I just needed to get it out. I've been collecting articles and quotes for him to read that I hope will make something click in his mind that he needs to do more and say less, but right now is not the best time. I guess I just have to wait.

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Crazy, Odd, Wonderful

Things lately have been crazy, odd and wonderful all rolled into one.

Yesterday was a perfect example. Rich came over for a visit since Abby has been blowing him off a lot lately. He was really bummed out by it, but tried not to let it get to him. We ate dinner (leftover steak and potatoes) and joked and laughed and had lots of fun. We got to talking and he let me see a more emotional side of him that I rarely ever see. He admitted to me that he doesn't let anyone see him get emotional except for me. That made me feel a little mixed. I was happy that he trusts me and feels comfortable enough around me to do so, but at the same time, I only want him to be happy and it hurts to see him like that.

He's been having issues with both his daughters lately and its really taking a toll on him. His oldest, Erin, doesn't even speak to him, even though he tries to contact her every few weeks and she lives only 15 minutes away from him now. And now his youngest, Abby, is starting to ditch him when they have their legal visitations and she acts like it's completely cool and there is nothing wrong with making plans with their mother during the time they are supposed to be with Rich. I get that Abby is 17 and all she wants is to hang with her friends, but it really irritates me that she is so insensitive to how Rich feels.

Of course, I would love to smack them both upside the head and explain to them how they are hurting their dad, but I can't say anything. Both daughters have met me as one of Rich's co-workers, but they have expressed that they don't like me. It hurts because I care about them, even though I shouldn't.

Anyways, so last night we both had an off night where we just couldn't get things to work right between the sheets, if you know what I mean. We both had our extreme, overwhelming emotions hit us at different times and we both cried, then laughed, and held each other. It made me feel truly connected to Rich, even though our sex wasn't our best. We talked when we needed a rest, and I felt so comfortable and so close to him. I've never felt like that with anyone before, and neither has he.

Ok offshoot here: Rich informed me a month or so ago that his step-daughter was moving back here from across the country to live with him and his wife. It turns out she is pregnant and her (rather abusive) husband is getting deployed so she is coming back to live with her mom. And she is bringing all of her pets with her. Several dogs, several cats, several other animals.

And she is staying indefinitely. Rich already feels like he is being shoved out of his house with all of his wife's stuff (she is a hoarder), so now he is feeling even less important in her life. He already feels insignificant to her, as if he's just a paycheck so she can have a nice roof over her head, and this has just exacerbated it. They literally have no room for another person in their house. They have a good sized house, but all the bedrooms are either spoken for, or crammed full of her junk.

So long story short, Rich admitted to me last night that he has been looking at condos, townhouses and duplexes in the area in case he can't stand to live at his house anymore. I was kinda thrilled. He said he had been hesitant to tell me because he didn't want me overthinking things, which I admit to doing often, but I told him I would take it at face value. He also told me that he has been working behind the scenes on his divorce, but he doesn't want to tell me much about it. The only reason he gave was in order to protect me from seeing how much hurt and pain its going to cause everyone involved. I guess I can't go against that, but at the same time, I have tried to explain to him that if he doesn't inform me of at least little tidbits, I am going to assume that he isn't doing anything.

So, things are going to change soon, and I'm looking forward to it. I've been able to talk more openly about what I want in a relationship with him and we are getting better at making our intentions known. He told me a while back that he had talked to lawyers, counselors and other legal advice type people and all of them told him the odds of me and him staying together are not good. The more I thought about it, the more I've come to realize that they are right. We don't have the best odds, but we have the same odds as almost any other relationship out there.

In my opinion, lots of people think that affairs are just about sex and lust and that's it. There is no emotional connection. That may be true for some affairs, but it's not for mine. Rich and I have a real, deep emotional connection. We have more in common than people in most relationships do. We have hiking, skiing, cooking, gardening, jewelry making, running, kayaking, being outdoors, reading, and learning all in common. Plus we have never been at a loss for words when we are around each other. We are constantly talking to each other throughout the day. Our conversation topics span so widely, from our relationship, to politics, to learning, to science, to work, to the outdoors, to our past, to our future. We always have something to talk about with each other.

To wrap this all up, yes we are starting our relationship in a bad way, in secret, but we have the same (if not more) potential than any other relationship that is starting. No one has that magic crystal ball that will tell them if, or for how long, their relationship will last. If we did, we'd all just be sitting around, waiting for that ball to tell us we've met the one. But we don't have that, so we try out a lot of frogs until we find our match. Maybe Rich is a frog, but I won't know unless I try, and if I don't try, he never has the chance of being my match.

I'm totally rambling here, but the coffee is making me think and feel funny things today (they switched out my normal decaf for regular strength espresso!). I just needed an outlet to gather my thoughts and calm down a bit. Thanks for not reading too much into my randomness!

Anxiety

I've been feeling very anxious today. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, but I know some of the factors.

I'm really stressing about going back to school to get my masters. I'm trying to work full-time at a job I'm really starting to hate while taking one or two classes at a time. I also am trying to still have a life and still do the things I love, but with my schedule planning, it's looking like I'm going to be getting up at 5 am and not going to be able to do much during the weeks.

I'm really worried about getting burned out, and I know I could reduce my hours, but then I wouldn't be able to save as much money and I wouldn't be able to go to school. See the cycle? Yeah, it freaks me out.

I've been really emotional and tired lately because I think I'm getting another bladder infection. I've had one on and off for over 6 months now and anti-biotics make me feel worse and don't make it go away. I have medicine that works, but I am getting so forgetful that I cant remember to take it.

I really just want to go home right now and cry.

It's getting harder and harder to work here. The job is not challenging. I'm not passionate about it. There is no reward, except my nice, big salary. Which, I will say, is very nice, but there is no emotional reward for this job. I'm not doing anything for anyone but myself. And that's not in my nature.

I'm really wishing I could just be done with this place and already have my degree and be moved on. It's going to be a pain in butt to reduce my hours, then finally quit since I will be leaving people I call friends, but at the same time, I will be so happy to leave this toxic place.

Everyone here is neurotic. There are so many tempers that flare, so much tension. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that absorbs other people's tension like a sponge and it makes me so unhappy. I'm learning to block it, but it's not that easy to block when it's a constant bombardment.

I'm really ready to leave. I bought my textbooks for the next three quarters already and I'm signed up for one class. I tried signing up for another class, but apparently there wasn't enough budget to keep the enroll anytime option open for fall, so I have to wait for winter. I mean, I guess I could do the group option, but I can't go at my own pace, which is something I would really like. Some weeks I don't have much planned so I could do a lot of work to make up for the weeks that I don't have much time.

My time management skills are going to really be put to the test for the next couple of years. My patience is also going to be tested, along with my courage. I have been thinking about taking a lower paying job that has more flexible hours just to have enough to pay the bills, but doesnt have as much of a stress level. I just don't know if I have the courage to leave my current workplace.

I've got lots to think about, but writing this all out has helped. I just want to get started on studying and going to school and starting my real career, that I want, not a career that my parents want. My new career will be so much more satisfying because I can actually combine my current degree (which I'm halfheartedly passionate about) with something I'm extremely passionate about, all the while getting the emotional reward of helping people with their lives.

I just remembered that I was planning on starting my own business to do while I am in school. Bad idea, eh? But it sounds like fun to me! Maybe do part-time work here at my current job, while creating my business and going to school. Full plate, but wow that lifted my spirits! And took away most of my anxiety.

I totally had forgotten about that. I got so wrapped up in how am I going to school while doing a job I hate when I had made a plan a few days ago to start a business. Sheesh!

Dissapointed

If you haven't heard on the news, there is a huge fire burning up a part of central Washington state. It grew from 2000 acres to 20,000 acres overnight. It has consumed 70+ structures (homes, barns, sheds, etc.), and has displaced not just humans, but animals of all kinds.

People in the area immediately stepped up to offer their assistance. Facebook and Twitter were overflowing with people offering their homes, their trucks, food, supplies, you name it, to people they have never met. People over on this side of the mountains have offered to let people bring items to their house to be donated and are driving the items over there this weekend.

I sent out an email early yesterday morning, asking my co-workers if they could bring in a few items to be donated, anything from canned food to blankets to toiletries. I asked one simple task of my co-workers. It would have taken them 10 minutes to go through their pantry and find 1 can of food. It would have taken them 10 minutes to go through their closets and find an extra blanket they could donate. It would have taken them 10 minutes to stop at the store to buy a few toothbrushes and toothpaste.

They brought in nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I'm so ashamed to be apart of this work group now. It's been hard working here because of all the neurotic personalities, but the fact that they couldn't take the time to do something like this, just astounds me.

It makes me sick.

I couldn't donate much more than a few blankets, some t-shirts, a few bags of dog and cat food and some tampons and pads. I felt like that was not enough.

It's just so sad. I actually berated a co-worker who wanted to just give me money to buy things for him. I told him it would have taken him only 10 minutes to find something. I took that 10 minutes yesterday when I didn't get home until after 9 pm and was tired and ready to go to bed.

He looked so ashamed, and so did the other co-workers that over heard me.

You should feel ashamed. You couldn't take the time out of your life to help people who just lost their homes, their pets, their clothes, their things.

I almost want to tell them all, how would you feel if no one came to help you when your house was burning down because they couldn't take 10 minutes out of their day to find a few things to give you? You would feel helpless. You would be angry. You would be wondering why people didn't come help you.

But no, I'm going to be my usual self and keep quiet. I believe in karma and in helping others in time of need. If any of them get in trouble, I will NOT help them.

When cards go around after a family member passes for someone in our group, I'm usually the only one that sticks in a few ones or a five. It's not much, I know, but it's something. They put in nothing. Not even a dime. Nothing.

It's just sickening.

I guess what I'm getting at is if you have the opportunity to spend 10 minutes to do something good for someone, without expecting anything back, take it. You will make someone's day much better!

All photos from komonews.com

Almost

We were almost found out. It's been a tough few days. Everything was going fine for the most part, then we did something we shouldn't have.

Rich finally introduced me to his youngest daughter, Abby. I had been wanting to meet her for a long time. I guess it didn't go over well because on Monday, Rich received an email from his ex stating that their kids thought he was having an affair. At first, Rich tried to pass it off as his ex just hiding behind the kids, but today he found out that Abby was the one who brought it up over the weekend.

Abby said it was shady for him to introduce me and that she was concerned. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was talking to Rich and made the comment that even though they have no clue who I am, I truly care for his family. It's hard not too. Rich agreed and said he cared about my family too, but I couldn't take it personally.

Rich reminded me that Abby can only see a small portion of the situation. She doesn't know the issues that are going on in Rich's marriage, she doesn't see who I really am, that I am not this mean devil-like monster out to destroy her dad. It's the truth, but it still hurts.

Rich is doing some damage control as we speak, but as we have been talking over the past few days, it's becoming very clear to him that things need to change. He needs to have some deep conversations with his kids and his wife about many different issues. He feels like he is simply there as a source of money while his family goes and spends it as they please and goes on trips without him that he pays for. I am surprised he didn't snap earlier, but he is very resilient.

So here I am, sitting at home, trying to get my mind off of things by cleaning and trying to get my stomach to calm down. I can tell its going to be a few hectic days and weeks, but I'm confident things will calm down again. If not, it's just going to spin out of control and who knows where I will land.