Wishing

Dec 18th. That's when Rich's wife leaves to pick up her daughter and bring her back along with 3 pets and then the troubles will begin.

Rich has been exhausted lately because the animals they already have (2 dogs and 2 cats) have been keeping him awake and not letting him sleep. He was very close to the breaking point yesterday. Now in a few short weeks, they are going to have 4 dogs and 3 cats living in their house, which he did not agree to. He told his wife that her daughter can come and stay with them until her husband gets back from being deployed but she cannot bring her pets.

It's not just that he doesn't want that many pets in the house, although that is a huge factor. It's because he is allergic to pet dander and he already has a hard enough time living in his house. He's basically getting pushed out of his own house by his wife collecting more pets.

I'm kind of expecting him to finally lose it when the new pets arrive and he can't sleep because of his allergies. He has so many problems with pet dander but his wife just doesn't care.

I'm really dreading that this passes and he still hasn't gotten a divorce. I don't expect him to do anything right before Christmas, but soon after I'm hoping he does something. If not, I don't think I can take this much anymore.

I really love him and we could have a great life together, but I want a normal life, where I can go to his place, or we can live together, and we can be out in the open together.

We don't hide by any means, we just have certain places we can't go to, which really bums me out sometimes. On the other hand, I do love having my space and having the ability to go hang out with my friends when I want. I do consult with him on what his plans are before making plans with my friends, but he's off most of the time with his kids, so that leaves me free to do what I want, and I like that.

I'm just most wishing we could stay the night at each other's places on the weekend. That's what I miss the most. And I don't really like only being able to see him for an hour on the weeknights before he has to go somewhere else.

Those parts are really getting to me. I didn't realize how much they bugged me until today.

I was on facebook for a little while and a long ago ex of mine "liked" a photo I had posted. So I clicked on his page to see what he was up to. It looked like he had been traveling and having a good life and I missed him for a minute.

Then I remembered the last time we saw each other and he spent the whole time trying to impress me with his trips and his money and all of his nice things. We also parted on an awkward note, since he went in for a kiss and I turned so he kissed me on my cheek instead of my lips.

I know he was wanting to see if we still had that spark we felt everytime we saw each other. I was kinda wanting to know too, but I was just starting my relationship with Rich and I didn't want that to go sideways.

I still wonder on occasion what it would have been like if my ex had moved here instead of Chicago and if I wasn't with Rich. I've just had that feeling that my ex and I could have been one of those couples that started dating when they were young and got married and grew old together. But he moved away and things changed.

I still feel like if things were different, like if he moved back here, we would probably end up together. I also feel like he needs to grow up for us to be compatible. He still likes to go out and party a bit, which I really don't care for, except after I've been skiing. He also needs to learn how to be more humble and not show off his money as much. Other than that, we would fit together really well.

But that is just wishful thinking. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I'm trying really hard not to focus on it too much. I am really afraid I'm going to be dissapointed by Rich, that he either isn't going to get a divorce or he takes too long.

Too many things are running through my head. I need to go breathe.

Stress Levels Rising

I've been really stressing lately. I've been having minor breakdowns and anxiety attacks a lot lately. I'm really starting to hate my job and I dread going to work everyday. I'm freaking out about a lot of what if's, which I realize is pointless, but I'm one of those people who need a plan for everything.

I'm freaking out about what if I don't get the grades I want and therefore don't get in to the masters program I want. What if I don't have enough money to be able to go to school and have to end up working here for several more years?

I'm worrying about so many things and it all took over at once. I'm really trying to reduce my stress levels because otherwise, I can't function. My body can't handle that much stress at once.

I'm slowly realizing that I can't keep living as though the bottom is going to fall out at any moment. I can't keep living like I'm already a failure.

I've also realized that my health should come before anything else, and that includes school. I need to get back into exercising, no matter how boring I find it at the gym. I need to get back to cooking, even when I feel too tired.

Rich told me a saying his doctor told him: "You aren't as tired as you think."

And it's very true. I'm not as tired as I think. I've heard that from many different sources, that you may feel tired, but it's overexaggerated. I tend to underexaggerate things, so when it comes to my level of tiredness, I usually feel my gauge is on the energetic side, and then when I do try things, I get so exhausted.

But this week, I proved that saying to myself. I woke up feeling exhausted, and beyond tired. I didn't want to go to work and I just wanted to stay home. Rich told me I should take a short break, eat something, and then get into work because "you aren't as tired as you think you are."

So I ate oatmeal, took a hot shower, then headed to work. I was tired throughout the day, but I survived. And then I vacuumed and washed dishes. And cooked lunch. Suddenly, all my energy came back. I just simply needed to get moving and to do the things I love.

Now my plan is to start prepping for a ficticious 10k and strength train for ski season. And cook. A lot. And conquer that mountain of dishes. And papers.

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Not Me

I'm not a lazy person by any means. I love to be active and on the go constantly. This past year I think I overdid it though, and am paying the price now. I think part of the reason I forced myself to stay busy was that I used to be sedentary. It was so easy to sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. I forced myself out of that state of mind because it wasn't me, but instead of finding the sweet spot of moderation, I went off the other end.

And now I'm feeling really exhausted and all I want to do is stay home. I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into that pattern of sitting on the couch, eating till I'm overstuffed, all the while my butt gets bigger.

I've been feeling really tired and unmotivated to do much other than school work. Even doing my work is getting tiring for me. I'm really ready to have my new job and to have my schedule back. I'm so dang tired at the end of every week that I need a whole weekend to recover, when I used to not need it at all.

Anyways, it's about time for me to leave work and go home and sit on my butt. Tomorrow I plan on doing at least a walk up my hill, and then Sunday I'm going running on a local trail. I still do workout, it's just very sporadic, and I'm a scheduler, so that frustrates me to no end.

Have a great weekend!

Katy

The Ring

I was chatting with Rich the other day about faceting stones, which is one of his hobbies. We were both surfing the web, looking at different materials and sharing ideas with each other. I really enjoyed being able to share something he is so passionate about. It makes me feel so close to him.

As I was surfing Etsy, I came across the really gorgeous sunstone ring. I loved it! So I sent him a picture of it. He thought it was really pretty and was going to research the cut so he could make the same stone for me. I figured he would probably put it in a necklace, which is what he has done for the other stones he has made for me.

Later that day, over the phone, Rich asked me if he could put the sunstone into a ring. I was kinda shocked by it. Typically, to a woman, the gift of a ring from a man means something. At least to me it does. I blurted out, "So, does the ring signify anything?"

Silence.

He stammered for a while before spitting out that he hadn't thought of it that way. It was just a nice gift he wanted to give me. I was very tempted to say, get a divorce, then I'll take that ring, but I didn't.

Speaking of divorce, I haven't heard any new news, but he has laid hints to his daughter that things aren't going so well. I guess Rich tried to have a talk with his wife about financials and about her step-daughter coming to live with them, but she didn't want to talk and instead drank herself to sleep. Real nice wifey there.

Anyways, this post has no real meaning. I'm just blabbering. It's been a long exhausting week and I'm feeling like I need to have a nice, long, cool-headed chat with Rich, but I really want to wait till after the holidays and after I'm done with school for the quarter.

I do have a feeling (or maybe I'm just hoping) that Rich will use his step-daughter moving in (with her 3 dogs and 3 cats. Did I mention he is very allergic to cats?) in order to leave, but that just isn't coming soon enough. I'm almost hoping he goes home one day to see her packing to pick her daughter up and bring her here earlier because the step-daughter and her husband are constantly fighting over little things and making rash decisions.

Like for example, they got in an argument and Rich's wife spent 3 hours on the phone with both of them in order to find a solution and stop the fighting. Personally, at 25 years old (and the same age as his step-daughter), I wouldn't want my mom to help solve my problems. Let me figure it out myself!

Another example, they got into an argument about something little and she changed her last name on Facebook back to her maiden name, which created another fight. Seriously? You aren't in high school anymore. Grow up!

So Rich has that to look forward to. Oh, and his other step-daughter wants to invite her boyfriend's mother over for Thanksgiving, a woman neither Rich nor his wife have met, and a boyfriend Rich has met twice since they started dating 6 months ago.

And Rich's wife agreed to it. I would never want someone I hadn't met coming over to my house for a meal! And neither does Rich, but his wife doesn't ask his opinion, she just acts. And usually in the wrong way.

Anyways, enough ranting. I'm going to prick and prod him a little for more information. Hopefully, I can get the full picture before it all goes down. If it all goes down.

Katy

Views on Marriage

You may have once upon a time wondered, how does the "other woman" view marriage? You know, since she is under full intent of destroying one?

I can't speak for other "other women," but I can speak for this one. I think marriage can be a great thing, if you choose the right person.

That's the key there. Choosing the right person. Granted, you won't know if you have chosen the right person until 20, 30, 40, 50 years later, but hey! You still gotta make that decision the best you can with the information you have.

It's a double edged sword. You think you are making a good decision at the time, but it may turn out to be a bad one.

Like an investment or a stock. You watch it for a while, my, it sure looks pretty. It's going up, people desire it (the product or the company), I think I may want to invest in it. So you do, then all hell breaks lose.

Turns out the CEO lied and was corrupt. Turns out the head scientist ordered they use inferior materials to bulk up the products and lied about it. Turns out everything you thought the company was headed toward is the opposite of where they are going.

Promises are made in the beginning, promises are broken. But where does that leave us?

Do we still put our faith in something that has shown to not work very often? Or do we still believe that under the right circumstances, it can be great, wonderful, amazing?

I'm still under that second category. I do believe that if you marry the right person, you can have a wonderful marriage and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, many people make a decision to get married based on invalid or unknown truths. Take Rich for example. He married his first wife because she made all these promises that she wanted the same things as him, she acted like a loving and doting girlfriend. So, they got married. As soon as the honeymoon was over, she let her true self show. She didn't want to do any activities with him. She was not very loving or doting. It was all a sham.

Should he have gotten married to her? Heck no! But according to the information he had at the time, you would have said, oh yeah they will make it for sure!

Same with his second wife, albeit a bit different. They actually did have things in common. A lot of things in common. Till she got injured. Then everything changed. They still got married, but no longer did she want to do the same things as him. Over time, she became more interested in spending time with her kids than with him. One year, she didn't even say happy anniversary to him, and she spent the day with her daughter. This last year, she did the same exact thing.

Nothing says I don't care about you anymore like forgetting (or ignoring) an anniversary.

Now, back to what the "other woman" thinks of marriage, even though I'm breaking one up. Well, in my opinion, she gave up a long time ago, long before I came into the picture. If they had wanted to make it work, they would have worked at it. But they both let it go way beyond repair and now I doubt there is any chance at fixing it.

Do I believe they should try to make it work? Yes, and no. If they were able to make it up and Rich was happy, I would definitely be hurt, but I would want what makes him happiest. But the chances of that ever happening are slim to none. They don't do anything together. He spends more time with me at my place than he does at his own house, except for sleeping.

In this roundabout way, I'm saying that yes, I do believe in the greatness of marriage, but it comes with complications that can be brought about by deceiving the other person and not putting every effort in. I choose to do neither when I get married. I don't see it as any benefit to me to play myself up as someone I'm not, because eventually the charade is going to get tiring and my husband may not love the person I actually am.

I would rather wait to find the right man who loves me for me than settle for someone who loves the person I'm pretending to be.

Thanks for reading.

Katy

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling overwhelmed and lacking energy lately. I feel like I am always sick or low-energy. I seem to get maybe a day or two a month where I have all of my energy and I can keep everything going.

Right now, my place is a mess. I have an infection that won't go away. I am exhausted, worn out, ready to just hole up and hunker down.

I realize it's partly because of my immune system. I have known for a long time that my immune system just does not fight off things as well as others. There has been research done that shows the condition I have is actually an immune condition, but they aren't sure of the connection. I've always gotten sick easier than my class mates. In college, I was constantly sick. Even now, I feel like I get every bug and it's best friend.

I hate that my place is a mess. I've lived here for over a year now, and there has seldom been more than two weeks in a row that I've been able to keep it clean. I mean, it's not dirty by any stretch. It's just cluttered. A few dirty dishes in the sink, plus the mountain of clean ones I need to put away. Piles of clean laundry that I don't have the energy to fold and put away. Stacks of books that I took out but haven't put back. Mail that I half sorted to dig out the bills and stashed the rest on the table.

I don't like clutter. I've lived with clutter for too long when I lived with my ex. I remember our first apartment together. We had separate bedrooms and we were responsible for cleaning our own rooms. Mine was clean. I had a few stacks of books, but I've always loved stacks of books and that doesn't bother me too much. But that was it. He had dirty and clean clothes everywhere, mixed together. He had papers, random things, cups, dishes, you name it, it was on the floor or on his desk.

I picked up that trait of living in clutter and I've been trying to get rid of it. My low-energy isn't helping much with that.

School and work are wearing down on me. It's getting harder and harder to go to a job I despise everyday. I'm counting down the months till I can leave and never go back. I'm at the point where if there is another problem at work, I'm about to quit and get a lower paying job somewhere else. I know that is a stupid idea, considering I get great pay, but my health is paying for it because of my stress levels.

And to tell you the truth, I love my job. I really enjoy the work, the solving puzzles, the troubleshooting. I just can't stand the people or the discrepancies in the treatment of people there. I feel like I am expected to be this nice, sweet girl who will bend over backwards to accommodate anyone. That used to be me. But now, I stick up for myself. If someone requests something from me that I believe is out of line, I'm going to call them on it. Politely, but I'm still going to call them on it.

And you know what, lots of people think I was right in calling this person out on their request, but nothing happened to them. They didn't get talked to, it just got ignored. And I got scolded! 

Anyways, I'm in serious need of venting. And to get healthy and healed. That's all I want. Oh, and about $50k so I can quit my job and go to school full time in order to get my masters degree sooner and start my new job sooner. Is that too much to ask?

Katy

Priorities and Non-commital Inaction

Do you know anyone who can't say no and constantly squeeze every thing into every minute of the day? Do you know anyone who says a lot of things they mean and think, but they don't do a whole lot to show it? Do you know someone who says they have their priorities straight, when they obviously don't?

Well, combine those two and you have Rich. I'm definitely a little peeved at him right now for his skewed priorities and his inability to say no.

I'll give yesterday as an example. Rich told me he was going to pick me up at about 5:30-6 for dinner. Great! I was really looking forward to it. He also told me that he was leaving work between 3-3:30 to fight traffic and stop by to visit his daughter for a little bit before he came to pick me up. Ok that's not a problem at all. I was really looking forward to dinner and spending time with him.

3 pm went by. I'm in the middle of a test, won't be able to leave for a little while, he told me. Ok I figured he'd be a little late, 15-20 minutes. I can deal with that. 4 pm goes by, still haven't left, no signs of leaving anytime soon. 5 pm arrives, he still hasn't left and I'm starting to get pissed. He either has to drop seeing his daughter and immediately pick me up (which isn't going to happen) or postpone dinner, which I'm not too happy about, but I at least would be somewhat understanding.

5:30 pm, he finally leaves work. Traffic is horrendous. And he still tries to squeeze everything in. So, instead of a nice relaxing evening, he misses time to spend with his daughter, is grouchy because of it, and I get my time with him squeezed to a bare minimum (with no dinner) and I get to bed late.

Now, if this was a once in a blue moon occurrence, then fine. It happens. But it happens every single week!

His wife made a really good point that I don't think stuck with him. His work is his number one priority. Everything else comes after that. He says it's not, that his family and me are his top priorities, but his actions show otherwise.

To better illustrate this, I'll give you what I see his priorities are:

1. Work
2. Kids
3. Family
4. Me
5. Health
6. Other activites
7. His house
8. Everything else

Now, I'll compare it to mine:

1. School
2. Rich
3. Health
4. Family and friends
5. Work
6. My hiking group
7.  Other activities


I know that I need to put my health above all else because if I'm not healthy, I'm not able to do anything else. School comes before everything else, because that is my main focus right now. My work is down pretty low on my list because it's just not as important as the other things. I'm willing to miss work for family/health reasons. Rich is not.

He puts his work before everyone and everything and then touts that it doesn't come first. It's incredibly frustrating to listen to because I see how it effects people. His daughter told him a while back that she feels like Rich missed out on a lot of things because of work. Rich's wife said the same thing. Now, I'm saying the same thing. You think it would occur to him that maybe he shouldn't put work first, but he does.

I'm ranting now and I need to eat lunch, but I just needed to get it out. I've been collecting articles and quotes for him to read that I hope will make something click in his mind that he needs to do more and say less, but right now is not the best time. I guess I just have to wait.

Thanks for reading.

Katy