Free

I can now say that it wasn’t love. Nothing close. On either side.

And now I feel free. Free from all the pain and anguish I’ve put myself through, that he put me through. I can say that I don’t regret what has happened, but I need to look for excitement in other ways. And I’ve learned a lot of lessons.

Like don’t ever get involved with a married man. He won’t leave. No matter how much chemistry you two have, no matter how amazing you would be together, he won’t leave. My mistake was thinking I could get him to leave because we were awesome together. He won’t.

He won’t be a friend either. Even if you need to talk to him, he won’t be there. No matter how much you wish he would be, he won’t.

Can you tell I’m a little bitter? But it’s just a little bit. Mostly I feel free. My stomach is still in knots and I still don’t feel like eating, but seeing him is no problem. I won’t see him for a week and a half after this, so I guess the timing was perfect. Now I just have to get myself to stop thinking about him.

I also have realized that I already had an amazing man who loves me more than anything. I still don’t think I’m head over heels crazy for Brandon, but I know that if I marry him, he will support me and always be there for me. He will love me for the rest of my life, even if I can’t reciprocate.

I still wish that I could be with the new man. That won’t change for a while. But at least I now know his true feelings and I’m not going to let him lead me on anymore.

I can finally breathe again. And it feels so good.