Things have rapidly changed over the past few weeks. I feel like I should have been blogging about it the whole time, but now I am forced to play catch up.
Let's summarize:
-Rich and I hit a very rocky patch. He was not present for my life for almost 2 weeks due to commitments with his daughter and going on a vacation with some friends. He came back a very changed man, someone I'm not quite sure I like. Being out in the desert definitely had an impact on him. Suddenly he went from this confident, loving, caring, but very busy man (sometimes irritatingly so) to this need to be with me at all times and know where I am and who I am with and why am I not answering the phone when he calls me twenty times, insanely protective man. It's very odd behaviour and I don't care for it one bit. He is slowly mellowing out, but its not been easy.
-Dave and I are closer than ever. We slept together. And probably will again. I guess I should recount how that happened. In as few words as possible, he came over to hang out while Rich was gone, and I gave him head, then he left. We talked and laughed and had fun, but it was nothing serious. We went out for drinks with some co-workers and had a lot too much to drink, and he kissed me after I complained that the last kiss he gave me sucked. I about fell over the kisses were so amazing.
We have since kissed a lot, and can't seem to keep our hands off each other. I gave him head again and he went down on me, and it felt better than any time Rich has ever done it. It was amazing. And then he pulled me on top of him and it was amazing. I was so nervous, but it was so amazing.
We agreed not to do it again. But we keep kissing. And touching. And he's on his way right now to my place. And we've gotten attached to each other. Seriously attached.
But, we discussed our situation today and decided that we have to remain friends, first and foremost. The sex cannot happen on a regular basis, just a every once in a while kind of thing. We also made it clear that neither of us are going to leave our other relationships anytime soon, so this thing we have is not permanent. But, we also agreed that at any time, when both of us are free from any relationships, we are going to be together. In a relationship.
We've developed this bond that I'm really enjoying. We have so much fun together. I understand that it's the newness of the "relationship" that I'm feeling, but it's also the deepening of our friendship that we have built for the past few years. I'm really looking forward to seeing what happens, although I'm firmly aware that it may all crash and burn on us.
And now I'm writing the rest of this in the after glow. It was amazing. My legs are still shaking, an hour later.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Hurting a Friend
Hurting a friend is never any fun. In fact, it feels like a stab in the heart, like I intentionally drank something poisonous and it is upsetting my stomach. I didn't mean for things to end out this way, and I feel like such a horrible person for lying to them and leading them on.
I guess I should mention more about my history with this friend, which has been nothing less than tumultuous since I met him. Dave and I have worked together for almost 3 years now and there was an intense attraction from the very start. We kept our distance for a while, not knowing how the other felt. I will say that I was the first to admit it, and it took him a while to admit it to himself, especially since we are 25 years different in age.
We would flirt and talk, but we became close friends. I confided in him when my relationship with my ex, Brandon, was not going well. He confided in me when things with his wife were difficult. We built a bond. And I've ruined that bond several times, yet everytime he forgives me. I don't know if he will this time.
Things changed after I met Rich, ironically at the same place I met Dave: work. I started spending more time with Rich, started confiding more in Rich and less to Dave. Dave is not one to show his jealousy, but I could tell it hurt him. I was so infatuated with Rich that I didn't take time to notice that I had hurt Dave. And yet, when things didn't work out with Rich after I pursued him, Dave took me back as a friend.
Things escalated after I broke it off with Brandon. Rich was nowhere to be found; he had been at jury duty for a few weeks and so I hadn't talked with him for a while. So I turned to Dave. We admitted that we cared about each other and were incredibly attracted to each other, but agreed not to pursue anything. Until we went to a company outing and had a bit too much to drink. We sat talking in his car and I made the moves on him. He rejected me, and I was hurt, but it was probably for the best.
Rich came back to work soon after that and we began talking more. I was unhappy with Dave because he had rejected me and our friendship would remain strained for nearly a year afterwards. Rich and I began dating, and Dave kept pressing me for details, of which I would deny that there was anything more than friendship between me and Rich. I mean, who wants to admit to a co-worker that you are dating another co-worker who is his competition?
I kept Dave at arm's length due to the fact that Rich hated Dave and that I was still feeling hurt from his rejection. I hardly saw Dave after he moved to a new position in a different building, and I hardly talked to him. Until a few months ago. One day, late at work, when there was hardly anyone left, I had this inkling to go and chat with Dave for a little while. I soon found the sparks were still there and they were just as strong.
Things between Rich and I were getting tense. He still hadn't (and still hasn't) done anything to further his divorce progress, and I was feeling rather used and almost like a booty call. I began flirting with Dave again, which stayed harmless up until a few weeks ago. Rich and I drifted apart somewhat. We didn't get to see each other as much, and I felt like he had ignored my statements that I wasn't getting what I needed from him.
Suddenly, I found myself craving to get attention from Dave. I knew it was wrong, and I had lied to him about Rich and I not being together. I continued to flirt with him, and the more we flirted, the more intense things got. He started getting very touchy feely and I didn't disuade him. We decided it would be best to set limits on what was acceptable. Flirting and hugging was acceptable, anything more was not. We agreed to the limits, but also decided on a pact that if at any time in our lives, if both of us are single and no longer co-workers, only then could we continue on with more. We also acknowledged that there would be no chance at a long term relationship due to the fact that we are not compatible relationship-wise.
All this came to a head last night. Rich and I had had a discussion about our future recently and came very close to breaking up. I was upset and took comfort in Dave's friendship and flirting. Last night, a group of us went to a local restuarant for some beer and pizza. We stayed rather late (till nearly 11 pm) before deciding to go home. I was in no shape to drive and neither Dave nor I wanted to say good night yet, so I joined him in his car and we parked and talked for an hour. I admitted to him that I was still seeing Rich, and he looked profoundly hurt.
I also told him that Rich and I were having problems and he told me about the problems he was having with his wife. The whole time we were talking, he was holding my hand, touching my leg, tucking my hair behind my ear. I'm sure it was the beer doing the moves, but it felt different. It felt like there was something there.
I glanced up quickly and got an uneasy feeling in my stomach when I saw a car that looked like Rich's pull in the parking lot. The car stopped nearby, but no one got out for a while. I instantly knew it was Rich and he was looking for me. I began to freak out and Dave calmed me down. He took me back to my car, but we sat talking for a little longer until I noticed that the look alike car had started circling. I noticed the license plate, and it was indeed Rich's car.
I had this bad feeling that Rich had spotted us and that he was going to get angry. I quickly got in my car and drove home. I tried to call Rich to explain and tell him the truth, that Dave and I were just talking while I was sobering up so I could drive. Suddenly, I hear the key in my door, and Rich walks through, thoroughly unhappy. But he didn't mention seeing me and Dave. He was unhappy because he had waited for me for an hour at my place, hoping to surprise me, but I never came.
We talked for a little while and he joined me in bed for a quick nap before heading home at nearly 1:30 am. It was a very long and eventful night. I could hardly sleep because I felt so bad for hurting Dave and for hurting Rich. I never wanted to hurt either.
This morning, I texted with Dave a bit, and he told me he was really starting to get mad at me for the way I treated him. I apologized and told him he had every right to be mad at me for lying to him and leading him on when he thought I was single and I was in fact not. We seemed to be ok, until I texted him later in the day and he said he didn't want to talk to me because he was feeling even more hurt the more he thought about it. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. I can't get rid of this feeling. I hate that I hurt him, but the whole situation is so complicated.
I didn't want to be telling Dave about Rich because I didn't trust him and I didn't want it to get spread around the office. The reason I didn't trust him was because of something Rich thought that Dave did, but Dave swears he didn't do. I also didnt tell him because who wants to be going around telling people, oh I'm dating a married man. It's not something you openly state.
I care for both Dave and Rich deeply and I can't help the way I feel about both of them. I may be a horrible person for loving two men (who are both married) at once, but it's the way I feel. They both have different qualities I love about them and I feel so bad for hurting both of them. I know I'm going to choose Rich over Dave, and Dave knows it too, but its so hard because of how long I've been waiting for Rich and how much longer Rich is going to make me wait.
Dave made a statement to me yesterday that I shouldn't be going after married men. I told him that I don't go after guys because they are married, I fall for them because of who they are. I would still have the same feelings for Dave and Rich if neither were married.
Life is a funny thing. I have found two men that both truly care about me, but are incredibly unavailable. All I wanted was a normal relationship with a man that cared about me more than my ex did. I didn't expect any of this to happen.
I also didn't expect to find myself almost pining after Dave. I spent a good majority of the day with Rich today, but my mind was on Dave. I'm so fucked up it's not even funny.
I guess I should mention more about my history with this friend, which has been nothing less than tumultuous since I met him. Dave and I have worked together for almost 3 years now and there was an intense attraction from the very start. We kept our distance for a while, not knowing how the other felt. I will say that I was the first to admit it, and it took him a while to admit it to himself, especially since we are 25 years different in age.
We would flirt and talk, but we became close friends. I confided in him when my relationship with my ex, Brandon, was not going well. He confided in me when things with his wife were difficult. We built a bond. And I've ruined that bond several times, yet everytime he forgives me. I don't know if he will this time.
Things changed after I met Rich, ironically at the same place I met Dave: work. I started spending more time with Rich, started confiding more in Rich and less to Dave. Dave is not one to show his jealousy, but I could tell it hurt him. I was so infatuated with Rich that I didn't take time to notice that I had hurt Dave. And yet, when things didn't work out with Rich after I pursued him, Dave took me back as a friend.
Things escalated after I broke it off with Brandon. Rich was nowhere to be found; he had been at jury duty for a few weeks and so I hadn't talked with him for a while. So I turned to Dave. We admitted that we cared about each other and were incredibly attracted to each other, but agreed not to pursue anything. Until we went to a company outing and had a bit too much to drink. We sat talking in his car and I made the moves on him. He rejected me, and I was hurt, but it was probably for the best.
Rich came back to work soon after that and we began talking more. I was unhappy with Dave because he had rejected me and our friendship would remain strained for nearly a year afterwards. Rich and I began dating, and Dave kept pressing me for details, of which I would deny that there was anything more than friendship between me and Rich. I mean, who wants to admit to a co-worker that you are dating another co-worker who is his competition?
I kept Dave at arm's length due to the fact that Rich hated Dave and that I was still feeling hurt from his rejection. I hardly saw Dave after he moved to a new position in a different building, and I hardly talked to him. Until a few months ago. One day, late at work, when there was hardly anyone left, I had this inkling to go and chat with Dave for a little while. I soon found the sparks were still there and they were just as strong.
Things between Rich and I were getting tense. He still hadn't (and still hasn't) done anything to further his divorce progress, and I was feeling rather used and almost like a booty call. I began flirting with Dave again, which stayed harmless up until a few weeks ago. Rich and I drifted apart somewhat. We didn't get to see each other as much, and I felt like he had ignored my statements that I wasn't getting what I needed from him.
Suddenly, I found myself craving to get attention from Dave. I knew it was wrong, and I had lied to him about Rich and I not being together. I continued to flirt with him, and the more we flirted, the more intense things got. He started getting very touchy feely and I didn't disuade him. We decided it would be best to set limits on what was acceptable. Flirting and hugging was acceptable, anything more was not. We agreed to the limits, but also decided on a pact that if at any time in our lives, if both of us are single and no longer co-workers, only then could we continue on with more. We also acknowledged that there would be no chance at a long term relationship due to the fact that we are not compatible relationship-wise.
All this came to a head last night. Rich and I had had a discussion about our future recently and came very close to breaking up. I was upset and took comfort in Dave's friendship and flirting. Last night, a group of us went to a local restuarant for some beer and pizza. We stayed rather late (till nearly 11 pm) before deciding to go home. I was in no shape to drive and neither Dave nor I wanted to say good night yet, so I joined him in his car and we parked and talked for an hour. I admitted to him that I was still seeing Rich, and he looked profoundly hurt.
I also told him that Rich and I were having problems and he told me about the problems he was having with his wife. The whole time we were talking, he was holding my hand, touching my leg, tucking my hair behind my ear. I'm sure it was the beer doing the moves, but it felt different. It felt like there was something there.
I glanced up quickly and got an uneasy feeling in my stomach when I saw a car that looked like Rich's pull in the parking lot. The car stopped nearby, but no one got out for a while. I instantly knew it was Rich and he was looking for me. I began to freak out and Dave calmed me down. He took me back to my car, but we sat talking for a little longer until I noticed that the look alike car had started circling. I noticed the license plate, and it was indeed Rich's car.
I had this bad feeling that Rich had spotted us and that he was going to get angry. I quickly got in my car and drove home. I tried to call Rich to explain and tell him the truth, that Dave and I were just talking while I was sobering up so I could drive. Suddenly, I hear the key in my door, and Rich walks through, thoroughly unhappy. But he didn't mention seeing me and Dave. He was unhappy because he had waited for me for an hour at my place, hoping to surprise me, but I never came.
We talked for a little while and he joined me in bed for a quick nap before heading home at nearly 1:30 am. It was a very long and eventful night. I could hardly sleep because I felt so bad for hurting Dave and for hurting Rich. I never wanted to hurt either.
This morning, I texted with Dave a bit, and he told me he was really starting to get mad at me for the way I treated him. I apologized and told him he had every right to be mad at me for lying to him and leading him on when he thought I was single and I was in fact not. We seemed to be ok, until I texted him later in the day and he said he didn't want to talk to me because he was feeling even more hurt the more he thought about it. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. I can't get rid of this feeling. I hate that I hurt him, but the whole situation is so complicated.
I didn't want to be telling Dave about Rich because I didn't trust him and I didn't want it to get spread around the office. The reason I didn't trust him was because of something Rich thought that Dave did, but Dave swears he didn't do. I also didnt tell him because who wants to be going around telling people, oh I'm dating a married man. It's not something you openly state.
I care for both Dave and Rich deeply and I can't help the way I feel about both of them. I may be a horrible person for loving two men (who are both married) at once, but it's the way I feel. They both have different qualities I love about them and I feel so bad for hurting both of them. I know I'm going to choose Rich over Dave, and Dave knows it too, but its so hard because of how long I've been waiting for Rich and how much longer Rich is going to make me wait.
Dave made a statement to me yesterday that I shouldn't be going after married men. I told him that I don't go after guys because they are married, I fall for them because of who they are. I would still have the same feelings for Dave and Rich if neither were married.
Life is a funny thing. I have found two men that both truly care about me, but are incredibly unavailable. All I wanted was a normal relationship with a man that cared about me more than my ex did. I didn't expect any of this to happen.
I also didn't expect to find myself almost pining after Dave. I spent a good majority of the day with Rich today, but my mind was on Dave. I'm so fucked up it's not even funny.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I've been feeling anxious lately. My anxiety has been kicking in more
often. I'm feeling overwhelmed and ready to start my new life.
I'm wanting to be here, at this job, less and less everyday. When I
first started here, I had so much trouble. I had a hard time wanting
to come in to work. I had a hard time doing my work. It didn't excite
me or challenge me. It didn't work with my passions, but rather worked
against them. For a long time, I just thought it was all me, all in my
head. That I was lazy, I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do
anything.
That was 2 years ago. I'm still here. Same job, same feelings. I don't
like being here. I was content with that for a while, but now that I
have an exit strategy, I want out. Now. And it's making my anxiety
grow. Everyday I wake up feeling great, refreshed, like I slept
wonderfully.
I get to work, whoosh! All that energy is gone. I feel tired, anxious,
irritable. I'm trying to change my mindset, but it's not that easy. I
can't say I love this place because I don't. I guess I could say I
tolerate it, but that is pretty negative too, in my mind.
The people I work most directly with are great. They are wonderful.
It's the people I work indirectly for that think of us as their
slaves, essentially, that get on my nerves. No, I'm not going to drop
everything for you just because we are your customer. People here
don't have common sense or common courtesy. Just because you have
"power" over us, doesn't mean you need to abuse it.
I've been praying and hoping and wishing I would win the lottery just
so I can quit this job and get another one. That's the only reason I'm
staying. Money. So I can live. So I don't have to move to a crappy
apartment. Because I like where I am at.
The funny part is though that even if I magically won the lottery, I
would still want to work. I would still want to go to school and get
my masters degree, still go through an internship I have to pay for
and still work as a dietitian. I would also want to work part-time
while going to school, just not where I'm at now.
I don't understand why I'm forced to take the hard route. I know it's
going to make me stronger, and it's going to prepare me for working
with difficult people in the future, but I so want out of here.
I want to get up and leave and quit. But then how would I live? How
would I pay for school?
Life isn't fair. I get that. I've just got to find my inner strength
to get through the next 2 years until I can go to school full time. I
know I should work full time, but I need to get the best grades I can
in order to get into the internship I want. I don't want to be stuck
here at this same dang job for the rest of my life. And there aren't
many other options for me, unless I want to start my own business,
which I have seriously been thinking about.
Ever since I've started this job, I've had plans to get out. To start
a business in order to leave this place. I just don't have the
finanical stability to do it. I don't have the support system I need
in case I fail. It's just not practical. I had all these ideas. And
they can't come to life because I can't fail. There is no other option
and it makes me feel so hopeless. I would just love to succeed for
once, on my own, without threat of harm.
I don't want to involve my parents in this decision to go back to
school and start a new career because they aren't supportive. They
don't see the point in wasting money to get a degree for a job I'm not
guaranteed to have. My dad "joked" about how I was doing in my class
I'm taking. I don't think they think I can do it. They don't believe
in me.
They never have. And if they have, they haven't shown it. The only
times they were proud of me were when I was in first place or when I
had the top grades. They showed their dissapointment so readily
whenever I wasn't up to their standards. I got scolded often for not
getting good enough grades. I didn't want to try to appease them
because I knew I never would be good enough.
But I'm still here, wanting to appease them. But I don't try anymore,
because it's not worth it. I told them of my decision, and I don't
care if they agree with it or not. It's the best route for me, and
hopefully someday they will see that I'm so much happier in my new
career than where I'm at now.
I have my hypotheses that they never pushed themselves, never
challenged themselves to do the best they could, so they forced me to.
My parents taught me to just do enough to get the A. Don't waste the
energy to try any harder. So what do I do now? I skate by. I do just
enough to make it look like I'm working, but I'm not at my full
capacity. And I'm bored.
But I don't want to take on anymore work because it doesn't challenge
me. I'm bored with my job. I don't have any areas that I can be
creative and excel in. With my new job, I have so many opportunities
and so many different directions I can go in.
Part of me wishes I wouldn't have gotten my job here and would have
been able to take the nutrition classes I found right as I had
graduated. I had someone that would have supported me financially, yet
I know, mentally I wasn't ready.
often. I'm feeling overwhelmed and ready to start my new life.
I'm wanting to be here, at this job, less and less everyday. When I
first started here, I had so much trouble. I had a hard time wanting
to come in to work. I had a hard time doing my work. It didn't excite
me or challenge me. It didn't work with my passions, but rather worked
against them. For a long time, I just thought it was all me, all in my
head. That I was lazy, I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do
anything.
That was 2 years ago. I'm still here. Same job, same feelings. I don't
like being here. I was content with that for a while, but now that I
have an exit strategy, I want out. Now. And it's making my anxiety
grow. Everyday I wake up feeling great, refreshed, like I slept
wonderfully.
I get to work, whoosh! All that energy is gone. I feel tired, anxious,
irritable. I'm trying to change my mindset, but it's not that easy. I
can't say I love this place because I don't. I guess I could say I
tolerate it, but that is pretty negative too, in my mind.
The people I work most directly with are great. They are wonderful.
It's the people I work indirectly for that think of us as their
slaves, essentially, that get on my nerves. No, I'm not going to drop
everything for you just because we are your customer. People here
don't have common sense or common courtesy. Just because you have
"power" over us, doesn't mean you need to abuse it.
I've been praying and hoping and wishing I would win the lottery just
so I can quit this job and get another one. That's the only reason I'm
staying. Money. So I can live. So I don't have to move to a crappy
apartment. Because I like where I am at.
The funny part is though that even if I magically won the lottery, I
would still want to work. I would still want to go to school and get
my masters degree, still go through an internship I have to pay for
and still work as a dietitian. I would also want to work part-time
while going to school, just not where I'm at now.
I don't understand why I'm forced to take the hard route. I know it's
going to make me stronger, and it's going to prepare me for working
with difficult people in the future, but I so want out of here.
I want to get up and leave and quit. But then how would I live? How
would I pay for school?
Life isn't fair. I get that. I've just got to find my inner strength
to get through the next 2 years until I can go to school full time. I
know I should work full time, but I need to get the best grades I can
in order to get into the internship I want. I don't want to be stuck
here at this same dang job for the rest of my life. And there aren't
many other options for me, unless I want to start my own business,
which I have seriously been thinking about.
Ever since I've started this job, I've had plans to get out. To start
a business in order to leave this place. I just don't have the
finanical stability to do it. I don't have the support system I need
in case I fail. It's just not practical. I had all these ideas. And
they can't come to life because I can't fail. There is no other option
and it makes me feel so hopeless. I would just love to succeed for
once, on my own, without threat of harm.
I don't want to involve my parents in this decision to go back to
school and start a new career because they aren't supportive. They
don't see the point in wasting money to get a degree for a job I'm not
guaranteed to have. My dad "joked" about how I was doing in my class
I'm taking. I don't think they think I can do it. They don't believe
in me.
They never have. And if they have, they haven't shown it. The only
times they were proud of me were when I was in first place or when I
had the top grades. They showed their dissapointment so readily
whenever I wasn't up to their standards. I got scolded often for not
getting good enough grades. I didn't want to try to appease them
because I knew I never would be good enough.
But I'm still here, wanting to appease them. But I don't try anymore,
because it's not worth it. I told them of my decision, and I don't
care if they agree with it or not. It's the best route for me, and
hopefully someday they will see that I'm so much happier in my new
career than where I'm at now.
I have my hypotheses that they never pushed themselves, never
challenged themselves to do the best they could, so they forced me to.
My parents taught me to just do enough to get the A. Don't waste the
energy to try any harder. So what do I do now? I skate by. I do just
enough to make it look like I'm working, but I'm not at my full
capacity. And I'm bored.
But I don't want to take on anymore work because it doesn't challenge
me. I'm bored with my job. I don't have any areas that I can be
creative and excel in. With my new job, I have so many opportunities
and so many different directions I can go in.
Part of me wishes I wouldn't have gotten my job here and would have
been able to take the nutrition classes I found right as I had
graduated. I had someone that would have supported me financially, yet
I know, mentally I wasn't ready.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Wishing
Dec 18th. That's when Rich's wife leaves to pick up her daughter and bring her back along with 3 pets and then the troubles will begin.
Rich has been exhausted lately because the animals they already have (2 dogs and 2 cats) have been keeping him awake and not letting him sleep. He was very close to the breaking point yesterday. Now in a few short weeks, they are going to have 4 dogs and 3 cats living in their house, which he did not agree to. He told his wife that her daughter can come and stay with them until her husband gets back from being deployed but she cannot bring her pets.
It's not just that he doesn't want that many pets in the house, although that is a huge factor. It's because he is allergic to pet dander and he already has a hard enough time living in his house. He's basically getting pushed out of his own house by his wife collecting more pets.
I'm kind of expecting him to finally lose it when the new pets arrive and he can't sleep because of his allergies. He has so many problems with pet dander but his wife just doesn't care.
I'm really dreading that this passes and he still hasn't gotten a divorce. I don't expect him to do anything right before Christmas, but soon after I'm hoping he does something. If not, I don't think I can take this much anymore.
I really love him and we could have a great life together, but I want a normal life, where I can go to his place, or we can live together, and we can be out in the open together.
We don't hide by any means, we just have certain places we can't go to, which really bums me out sometimes. On the other hand, I do love having my space and having the ability to go hang out with my friends when I want. I do consult with him on what his plans are before making plans with my friends, but he's off most of the time with his kids, so that leaves me free to do what I want, and I like that.
I'm just most wishing we could stay the night at each other's places on the weekend. That's what I miss the most. And I don't really like only being able to see him for an hour on the weeknights before he has to go somewhere else.
Those parts are really getting to me. I didn't realize how much they bugged me until today.
I was on facebook for a little while and a long ago ex of mine "liked" a photo I had posted. So I clicked on his page to see what he was up to. It looked like he had been traveling and having a good life and I missed him for a minute.
Then I remembered the last time we saw each other and he spent the whole time trying to impress me with his trips and his money and all of his nice things. We also parted on an awkward note, since he went in for a kiss and I turned so he kissed me on my cheek instead of my lips.
I know he was wanting to see if we still had that spark we felt everytime we saw each other. I was kinda wanting to know too, but I was just starting my relationship with Rich and I didn't want that to go sideways.
I still wonder on occasion what it would have been like if my ex had moved here instead of Chicago and if I wasn't with Rich. I've just had that feeling that my ex and I could have been one of those couples that started dating when they were young and got married and grew old together. But he moved away and things changed.
I still feel like if things were different, like if he moved back here, we would probably end up together. I also feel like he needs to grow up for us to be compatible. He still likes to go out and party a bit, which I really don't care for, except after I've been skiing. He also needs to learn how to be more humble and not show off his money as much. Other than that, we would fit together really well.
But that is just wishful thinking. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I'm trying really hard not to focus on it too much. I am really afraid I'm going to be dissapointed by Rich, that he either isn't going to get a divorce or he takes too long.
Too many things are running through my head. I need to go breathe.
Rich has been exhausted lately because the animals they already have (2 dogs and 2 cats) have been keeping him awake and not letting him sleep. He was very close to the breaking point yesterday. Now in a few short weeks, they are going to have 4 dogs and 3 cats living in their house, which he did not agree to. He told his wife that her daughter can come and stay with them until her husband gets back from being deployed but she cannot bring her pets.
It's not just that he doesn't want that many pets in the house, although that is a huge factor. It's because he is allergic to pet dander and he already has a hard enough time living in his house. He's basically getting pushed out of his own house by his wife collecting more pets.
I'm kind of expecting him to finally lose it when the new pets arrive and he can't sleep because of his allergies. He has so many problems with pet dander but his wife just doesn't care.
I'm really dreading that this passes and he still hasn't gotten a divorce. I don't expect him to do anything right before Christmas, but soon after I'm hoping he does something. If not, I don't think I can take this much anymore.
I really love him and we could have a great life together, but I want a normal life, where I can go to his place, or we can live together, and we can be out in the open together.
We don't hide by any means, we just have certain places we can't go to, which really bums me out sometimes. On the other hand, I do love having my space and having the ability to go hang out with my friends when I want. I do consult with him on what his plans are before making plans with my friends, but he's off most of the time with his kids, so that leaves me free to do what I want, and I like that.
I'm just most wishing we could stay the night at each other's places on the weekend. That's what I miss the most. And I don't really like only being able to see him for an hour on the weeknights before he has to go somewhere else.
Those parts are really getting to me. I didn't realize how much they bugged me until today.
I was on facebook for a little while and a long ago ex of mine "liked" a photo I had posted. So I clicked on his page to see what he was up to. It looked like he had been traveling and having a good life and I missed him for a minute.
Then I remembered the last time we saw each other and he spent the whole time trying to impress me with his trips and his money and all of his nice things. We also parted on an awkward note, since he went in for a kiss and I turned so he kissed me on my cheek instead of my lips.
I know he was wanting to see if we still had that spark we felt everytime we saw each other. I was kinda wanting to know too, but I was just starting my relationship with Rich and I didn't want that to go sideways.
I still wonder on occasion what it would have been like if my ex had moved here instead of Chicago and if I wasn't with Rich. I've just had that feeling that my ex and I could have been one of those couples that started dating when they were young and got married and grew old together. But he moved away and things changed.
I still feel like if things were different, like if he moved back here, we would probably end up together. I also feel like he needs to grow up for us to be compatible. He still likes to go out and party a bit, which I really don't care for, except after I've been skiing. He also needs to learn how to be more humble and not show off his money as much. Other than that, we would fit together really well.
But that is just wishful thinking. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I'm trying really hard not to focus on it too much. I am really afraid I'm going to be dissapointed by Rich, that he either isn't going to get a divorce or he takes too long.
Too many things are running through my head. I need to go breathe.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Stress Levels Rising
I've been really stressing lately. I've been having minor breakdowns and anxiety attacks a lot lately. I'm really starting to hate my job and I dread going to work everyday. I'm freaking out about a lot of what if's, which I realize is pointless, but I'm one of those people who need a plan for everything.
I'm freaking out about what if I don't get the grades I want and therefore don't get in to the masters program I want. What if I don't have enough money to be able to go to school and have to end up working here for several more years?
I'm worrying about so many things and it all took over at once. I'm really trying to reduce my stress levels because otherwise, I can't function. My body can't handle that much stress at once.
I'm slowly realizing that I can't keep living as though the bottom is going to fall out at any moment. I can't keep living like I'm already a failure.
I've also realized that my health should come before anything else, and that includes school. I need to get back into exercising, no matter how boring I find it at the gym. I need to get back to cooking, even when I feel too tired.
Rich told me a saying his doctor told him: "You aren't as tired as you think."
And it's very true. I'm not as tired as I think. I've heard that from many different sources, that you may feel tired, but it's overexaggerated. I tend to underexaggerate things, so when it comes to my level of tiredness, I usually feel my gauge is on the energetic side, and then when I do try things, I get so exhausted.
But this week, I proved that saying to myself. I woke up feeling exhausted, and beyond tired. I didn't want to go to work and I just wanted to stay home. Rich told me I should take a short break, eat something, and then get into work because "you aren't as tired as you think you are."
So I ate oatmeal, took a hot shower, then headed to work. I was tired throughout the day, but I survived. And then I vacuumed and washed dishes. And cooked lunch. Suddenly, all my energy came back. I just simply needed to get moving and to do the things I love.
Now my plan is to start prepping for a ficticious 10k and strength train for ski season. And cook. A lot. And conquer that mountain of dishes. And papers.
Thanks for reading.
Katy
I'm freaking out about what if I don't get the grades I want and therefore don't get in to the masters program I want. What if I don't have enough money to be able to go to school and have to end up working here for several more years?
I'm worrying about so many things and it all took over at once. I'm really trying to reduce my stress levels because otherwise, I can't function. My body can't handle that much stress at once.
I'm slowly realizing that I can't keep living as though the bottom is going to fall out at any moment. I can't keep living like I'm already a failure.
I've also realized that my health should come before anything else, and that includes school. I need to get back into exercising, no matter how boring I find it at the gym. I need to get back to cooking, even when I feel too tired.
Rich told me a saying his doctor told him: "You aren't as tired as you think."
And it's very true. I'm not as tired as I think. I've heard that from many different sources, that you may feel tired, but it's overexaggerated. I tend to underexaggerate things, so when it comes to my level of tiredness, I usually feel my gauge is on the energetic side, and then when I do try things, I get so exhausted.
But this week, I proved that saying to myself. I woke up feeling exhausted, and beyond tired. I didn't want to go to work and I just wanted to stay home. Rich told me I should take a short break, eat something, and then get into work because "you aren't as tired as you think you are."
So I ate oatmeal, took a hot shower, then headed to work. I was tired throughout the day, but I survived. And then I vacuumed and washed dishes. And cooked lunch. Suddenly, all my energy came back. I just simply needed to get moving and to do the things I love.
Now my plan is to start prepping for a ficticious 10k and strength train for ski season. And cook. A lot. And conquer that mountain of dishes. And papers.
Thanks for reading.
Katy
Friday, November 9, 2012
Not Me
I'm not a lazy person by any means. I love to be active and on the go constantly. This past year I think I overdid it though, and am paying the price now. I think part of the reason I forced myself to stay busy was that I used to be sedentary. It was so easy to sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. I forced myself out of that state of mind because it wasn't me, but instead of finding the sweet spot of moderation, I went off the other end.
And now I'm feeling really exhausted and all I want to do is stay home. I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into that pattern of sitting on the couch, eating till I'm overstuffed, all the while my butt gets bigger.
I've been feeling really tired and unmotivated to do much other than school work. Even doing my work is getting tiring for me. I'm really ready to have my new job and to have my schedule back. I'm so dang tired at the end of every week that I need a whole weekend to recover, when I used to not need it at all.
Anyways, it's about time for me to leave work and go home and sit on my butt. Tomorrow I plan on doing at least a walk up my hill, and then Sunday I'm going running on a local trail. I still do workout, it's just very sporadic, and I'm a scheduler, so that frustrates me to no end.
Have a great weekend!
Katy
And now I'm feeling really exhausted and all I want to do is stay home. I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into that pattern of sitting on the couch, eating till I'm overstuffed, all the while my butt gets bigger.
I've been feeling really tired and unmotivated to do much other than school work. Even doing my work is getting tiring for me. I'm really ready to have my new job and to have my schedule back. I'm so dang tired at the end of every week that I need a whole weekend to recover, when I used to not need it at all.
Anyways, it's about time for me to leave work and go home and sit on my butt. Tomorrow I plan on doing at least a walk up my hill, and then Sunday I'm going running on a local trail. I still do workout, it's just very sporadic, and I'm a scheduler, so that frustrates me to no end.
Have a great weekend!
Katy
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Ring
I was chatting with Rich the other day about faceting stones, which is one of his hobbies. We were both surfing the web, looking at different materials and sharing ideas with each other. I really enjoyed being able to share something he is so passionate about. It makes me feel so close to him.
As I was surfing Etsy, I came across the really gorgeous sunstone ring. I loved it! So I sent him a picture of it. He thought it was really pretty and was going to research the cut so he could make the same stone for me. I figured he would probably put it in a necklace, which is what he has done for the other stones he has made for me.
Later that day, over the phone, Rich asked me if he could put the sunstone into a ring. I was kinda shocked by it. Typically, to a woman, the gift of a ring from a man means something. At least to me it does. I blurted out, "So, does the ring signify anything?"
Silence.
He stammered for a while before spitting out that he hadn't thought of it that way. It was just a nice gift he wanted to give me. I was very tempted to say, get a divorce, then I'll take that ring, but I didn't.
Speaking of divorce, I haven't heard any new news, but he has laid hints to his daughter that things aren't going so well. I guess Rich tried to have a talk with his wife about financials and about her step-daughter coming to live with them, but she didn't want to talk and instead drank herself to sleep. Real nice wifey there.
Anyways, this post has no real meaning. I'm just blabbering. It's been a long exhausting week and I'm feeling like I need to have a nice, long, cool-headed chat with Rich, but I really want to wait till after the holidays and after I'm done with school for the quarter.
I do have a feeling (or maybe I'm just hoping) that Rich will use his step-daughter moving in (with her 3 dogs and 3 cats. Did I mention he is very allergic to cats?) in order to leave, but that just isn't coming soon enough. I'm almost hoping he goes home one day to see her packing to pick her daughter up and bring her here earlier because the step-daughter and her husband are constantly fighting over little things and making rash decisions.
Like for example, they got in an argument and Rich's wife spent 3 hours on the phone with both of them in order to find a solution and stop the fighting. Personally, at 25 years old (and the same age as his step-daughter), I wouldn't want my mom to help solve my problems. Let me figure it out myself!
Another example, they got into an argument about something little and she changed her last name on Facebook back to her maiden name, which created another fight. Seriously? You aren't in high school anymore. Grow up!
So Rich has that to look forward to. Oh, and his other step-daughter wants to invite her boyfriend's mother over for Thanksgiving, a woman neither Rich nor his wife have met, and a boyfriend Rich has met twice since they started dating 6 months ago.
And Rich's wife agreed to it. I would never want someone I hadn't met coming over to my house for a meal! And neither does Rich, but his wife doesn't ask his opinion, she just acts. And usually in the wrong way.
Anyways, enough ranting. I'm going to prick and prod him a little for more information. Hopefully, I can get the full picture before it all goes down. If it all goes down.
Katy
As I was surfing Etsy, I came across the really gorgeous sunstone ring. I loved it! So I sent him a picture of it. He thought it was really pretty and was going to research the cut so he could make the same stone for me. I figured he would probably put it in a necklace, which is what he has done for the other stones he has made for me.
Later that day, over the phone, Rich asked me if he could put the sunstone into a ring. I was kinda shocked by it. Typically, to a woman, the gift of a ring from a man means something. At least to me it does. I blurted out, "So, does the ring signify anything?"
Silence.
He stammered for a while before spitting out that he hadn't thought of it that way. It was just a nice gift he wanted to give me. I was very tempted to say, get a divorce, then I'll take that ring, but I didn't.
Speaking of divorce, I haven't heard any new news, but he has laid hints to his daughter that things aren't going so well. I guess Rich tried to have a talk with his wife about financials and about her step-daughter coming to live with them, but she didn't want to talk and instead drank herself to sleep. Real nice wifey there.
Anyways, this post has no real meaning. I'm just blabbering. It's been a long exhausting week and I'm feeling like I need to have a nice, long, cool-headed chat with Rich, but I really want to wait till after the holidays and after I'm done with school for the quarter.
I do have a feeling (or maybe I'm just hoping) that Rich will use his step-daughter moving in (with her 3 dogs and 3 cats. Did I mention he is very allergic to cats?) in order to leave, but that just isn't coming soon enough. I'm almost hoping he goes home one day to see her packing to pick her daughter up and bring her here earlier because the step-daughter and her husband are constantly fighting over little things and making rash decisions.
Like for example, they got in an argument and Rich's wife spent 3 hours on the phone with both of them in order to find a solution and stop the fighting. Personally, at 25 years old (and the same age as his step-daughter), I wouldn't want my mom to help solve my problems. Let me figure it out myself!
Another example, they got into an argument about something little and she changed her last name on Facebook back to her maiden name, which created another fight. Seriously? You aren't in high school anymore. Grow up!
So Rich has that to look forward to. Oh, and his other step-daughter wants to invite her boyfriend's mother over for Thanksgiving, a woman neither Rich nor his wife have met, and a boyfriend Rich has met twice since they started dating 6 months ago.
And Rich's wife agreed to it. I would never want someone I hadn't met coming over to my house for a meal! And neither does Rich, but his wife doesn't ask his opinion, she just acts. And usually in the wrong way.
Anyways, enough ranting. I'm going to prick and prod him a little for more information. Hopefully, I can get the full picture before it all goes down. If it all goes down.
Katy
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